Out and In

10/3/06
And thus, without warning (at least on the written end of the world), the month begins. An on-again, off-again day of angst-wrapped jon-moodiness - was the Wired-Nextfest and Haunted House. Are all of our moods (his? mine?) based soley and at the most inner core on either the need for food or the need for sex? Are we that much like animals? Tempting thought. First was breakfast - jon getting entirely beyond all recognition of shit-ass lousy first with the dog bite, then my "bad planning" (LESSON OF THE DAY: NEVER LET JON ASK YOU A QUESTION AGAIN) - the grocery store coming last on his list, but as prediscussed first on "ours" - my bad - then everything going wrong with him from that point on, mostly involving his perfect plan for the day. I finally convince him that we need food first and foremost for our big day ahead, and we end up at a cafe off Christopher St, with a nice little brunch menu, but they have nothing we want. So disgruntled too me now, we leave, and end up at Stage Door Diner on 34th St, complete with large menu, and football on TV. With jon in a better mood, we head to the Javits Center, and awesome structure of glass and whatever, one massive room is nearly the whole building. Once inside, THIS would be a cool, groovy place to meet people (would.). Somewhat too touristy and crowded, I get a little perturbed at jon's interest in only specific things, and proclaimed disinterest in every male in the building, always never believing and totally skeptical of his 'holier than thou' claims. I was slightly disappointed they didn't have the Nintendo DS on display, but it was more of a exhibition for small, independent "inventors". (well GE, and a few other big names were there, i guess)
After that, it's off to the Lower East Side (new neighborhood for Matt!). I'm a little discomforted by the atmosphere and the general smallness of all the buildings (another city entirely, it would almost seem). Topping it all of for "dinner" we end up at a McDonalds after passing several trendy and appealing local eatin spots. Guess we were limited on time. We read our Wired magazines in the midst of neighborhood teens cursing at each other and semi-homeless-looking people littering the place. The haunted house turned out to be a "it had its high points experience", in which jon and i both thought alot of it could've been done a great deal better. Too many dead spots and too small a cast were our biggest complaints, i think. Then it was down to WTC, PATH back to Hoboken and somewhere along the way another mood swing by jon to cap off the day's activities. I believe it was founded in him asking me if I wanted him to stay another night so he could just go into work the next day (he brought his clothes...and also clearly wanted me to put out). He also was quoted several times with saying that it was totally up to me. (May the lord never let me answer another LOADED question again!) Following my "WRONG" decision, the "discussion" went from his basic inability to be honest about his feelings (=dishonesty), to him never getting what he wanted ("so why should i ever ask for anything?"), to me trying to get him to realize, yet again, that the only reasonable conclusions he ever sees to any situation is to either get pissed off, "retreat", or say some equivalent of "fuck it"/"whatever". God forbid he START with explaining how he felt about something. So then, of course, we spend the rest of the night in a helluva mood, in silence, with him not only daring (he said this aloud at his attempt to be honest about his pissed-off-ness; should i restate that all this erupted out of me not wanting to put out?) - him not only daring to not go to Target for my groceries but to just drop me off and leave, but him also purposefully turning on impulse at the last minute into the PathMark right NEXT to the Target undoubtedly just to see what I would do, if anything. Of course, i did nothing, and we said nothing...the entire time. We got back to MY PLACE ( ah, the feeling of that sound!) and as i took the opportunity to chat with michael downstairs while unpacking groceries, he went up, grabbed his things, and left, in what i realized was a hurry as he totally forgot his work clothes, and only waving a disgruntled goodbye and was gone with the slam of the door and slight embarrassment to me in front of my new housemate.
Well, that day seemed to be unpleasantly complete.
But my luck took a turn for the better (reported soon here, after I go put my laundry in the dryer...in "my" basement, in "my" house! *gasp* dare i say all these things?)
And upstairs, to pass out from my extra-long day....or so I thought. The moment i sit down to my desk, just as I am now, I get a call from none other than Mr. Ken Jen--ahem- Alan. And who should be in town but my good buddies from tally, come to see A Chorus Line's final preview night. So, I quickly freshen up, and head over to Boulevard East to catch a shuttle or bus per Michael's long winded "transport to NY" lecture. A couple buses pass, I chat with Sean about his date, and finally I catch a shuttle driven by a pleasant guy who I chat with for a moment. It's a short walk from Port Authority from Xth Ave Lounge, and there's them all tired and excited at the same time for their first time (?) in the city. Ken's looking up songs (it's "piano bar" night) to possibly sing, and George (manager 1) is floating around as usual ( love it!).... I quickly survey the "crowd" over my first drink (the special > $12> it was what they all were having! :) ), and come up with what turns out to be Manager ..1 of the place ( manager 2 to me), Joey > cute face, hairy peeking out of his express button up (ugh), pleasantly reminding me of some specific character actor, nathan lane, and a little bit of Kostas all wrapped up together. His instant attraction to me doesn't help matters at all. I stand near the piano as Patrick flips through the songbooks, and mutter that the two guys singin are doing horrible at the lyrics to "No More" from Tick, Tick Boom, catchin Joey's eye every minute (i'm innocent, i swear!) > But tally guys want to see the ads on display for ACL and they need rest after a long day. So we walk around times sq and the theater taking pics, then send them on their way in a cab. Then it's just me and Ken (fuckin love hanging out with this guy) and we head over to the newly opened Ritz. Upon entering we are instantly reminded of every bad 'attempting to look upscale', cabana-esque, beach lounge we've ever seen in florida, and our skeptical opinions are only further congealed when George arrives to meet us, and we are --hm..(well, i was entertained by his muscles!) by the ditsy bartender. Feeling we had the full picture of the place, we headed back to Xth Ave, at this point me becoming unsure of how much of the night was being dragged onward for my sake.....(joey was waiting, even though i had already gotten a number) .....but apparently ken had someone lined up for something....that is, until a phone call once inside Xth Ave. Joey was downstairs in his jeans-capris and flip flops...and came up once or twice, as he began to close the bar up, after george and ken had left. He joined me on one of the sofas in the back of the darkened place- i was getting sleepy-drunk. I sat and watched from a perfect vantage point of the bar as he escorted the remaining customers out, and even said g'nite to the last bartender and locked the doors with only himself and i left inside. ....well, to make a very long, very pleasant story short, there were several first for the both of us that night, and I was dropped off at Port Authority, with a promise for a date, and the 48th "You're so adorable" for the evening as he cabbed if off to Astoria, where he would soon be moving to somewhere in manhattan, i forgot. I stumbled home as daylight creeped up, and passed out in bed.
OUT WITH __(*any suggestions?*)__ AND IN WITH THE NEW, AS BEGINS MY DEAREST OCTOBER

Wretched Excessivenesses

Here's just a random vomit of thoughts i threw onto a Sticky (not a mac person? loser.) while waiting impatiently to regain control of the house dialup internet *dies*.

***************
no one realizes - no one can see .... my desire. it is so repressed.

destined to scrounge in the muddy depths of mediocrity

i can love any food, and want to make it myself, but i am not a cook
i can love the wind and the sea, but i am not a sailor
i can create ideas, but i cannot weave them into a story as a writer
i can share an idea, as awkard as it comes out, but i am not a teacher
i can draw a building idea, but i am not an architect
i can read notes on a page, but i am not a pianist or composer
i can howl at the moon but i am not a wolf
i am not a coyote or a fox, or bear, or any other creature
why is a human the only creature that wants to be so many others
why would anyone want to be something they're not

how could someone be so full of contradictions?
- i desperately want to stop feeling so alone while i think of all the heavy objects i would throw if my sister or mother came into my room in the midst of me crying
- i feel like i've never been good at doing something for myself yet I know I am the most spoiled child I have ever met
- I carry a philosophy of breaking barriers, and going through trouble instead of around it, and confronting fears but i can't seem to break through this figurative triple-strength super metal alloy plate that covers my mouth in the prescence of those i wish to confront the most
- i am the most hyper-sensitive whiny yet dreamy, naieve kid I know yet also the most hard-assed cynical realist i've ever been forced to deal with

I spend all my time thinking and trying to work things out for myself....and I know I need people, but if i can just get these last few plans in order, i can set myself up to make a great deal more people who i can be there for and they can be there for me.......so why, when they try to be there for me, do i only feel like they are questioning everything i have thought out, i feel totally threatened, the ground falling out from under me, thanks to these, my own parents?
Why can't anyone else try to be such a threat?

Why do i discover the blogs and galleries of people i've never met, interesting people, people that seem to have such a graceful balance of all the things they want to be doing with their lives, and i either wish i could be like them, almost obsessively, or i imagine what my life would be like with them.

People tell me I have potential. That I can do it. I think i know. But I really just wish i could see it a little clearer in times like these.

Wretched Excess

okay, so the idea is that we live in such a world that everything is in excess
there are so many people - there is so much more bad stuff....good stuff....whatever.......we think - okay, i think - why do we have to celebrate so much -- maybe because if we didn't, then all the bad stuff would be so much more prevalent and less kept under wraps, nO?
So how do people cope with the masses of everything on an individual level? When we feel overwhelmed by it at least,. cus i guess alot of people out there exist who are apparently well-balanced. nice to meet you one day. It seems that maybe people have to compensate for the over-abundance of everything , by toning down themselves a bit to keep from swinging wildly from extreme to extreme and getting carried away. Okay , so just like i feel now. Do you honestly think that people willingly subdue their own individual, creative energies for the sake of their own sanity, because if they let loose, and explored every impulse, then the impossibly huge canvas and palatte from which to take and give would simply cause an overload.
i really don't think any of this makes sense. I know it's better for me to be doing somethign. writing at least. than sitting and wallowing. thinking alone. sharing thoughts or at least vomiting them onto a page has to be better than nothing. i dont' care how cliche and self-depreciating and depressively live journal-ish they are.
is my toungue supposed to be purple?

it's not that i think i am a totally disfunctional human being. i mean, i can perform...a task....a relationship....a job. alot of things. just when it gets like this and there's nothing u can immediately do that you know you're good at doing, esp when you have googles of creative impulses bashing around in your head - i mean if someone put a shovel or a paintbrush or pen or sledgehammer, i know i could do some damage with it. If some need for me presented itself....at least to get me away from the bleak chasms of endless thought....i would leap at the opportunity. Hell, over the past two months, I have applied for 200 of these random jobs. 200. Two hundred random tasks sitting around NEEDING someone, that I sit from my little corner of the map and wave my hands in the air screaming "i'm here, i can do it!" and i'm pretty sure i can do it damn good.......--well.
I don't want to be sitting at a desk filing papers all my life, but i sure wouldn't mind earning a quick buck or two doing it now ....for a little while. I'll walk dogs, I'll wait tables, I'll buy your groceries, I'll seal 5,000 envelopes, I'll buy coffee for your film crew, I'll do anything. But wait, i know i've made at least one condition to the whole big plan. I have stubbornly insisted to all those who have inquired that i have made the plans to pursue whatever the hell it is i am going to do with my life by leaping head first, and half blinded into the biggest and one of the most fascinating cities in the world. And I only half know how to swim. I know i'm going to swallow (choke on) a few heaping gulps of water, but i'm willing to take the risks.....the challenges........right?
Everyone talks about doing it. Now why, when I'm finally in the middle of actually doing it, does it seem like I'm ))))

Not having sex in over two months at this stage in life has got to have some negative effects as well. Two points for honesty.

why do i write for someone i don't even know. why when i'm so absorbed in those i know all to perfectly well and feel wrapped in how horrible they make me feel, can i never bring myself to express, write, scream (anything) a single word?
*********

okay, so yeah. that's all turning around. so i figure I'll explain why i actually have the energy and drive to post this crap in the next post to come.

p.s.: i think i'm plotting a mass exodus to an actual blog and maybe even an attached flickR account in the near future. woot.

breakfast

I had a profound thought this morning staring into my popping bacon grease:

"Your evasive maneuvers may be fate's aiming to fire."

Travelin' Through

I press my hand to the moving record and hear an opera by Henry Purcell, performed by Kym Amps turn to a dull bass, sllllooowwwwlyyyy mmmuuuutttteerrriiiinnnnnggggg "Wwwwwhennnnnnnn Iiiiii aaaammmmm lllllaaaiiiddddd iiinnnnn eeeaaarrrttthhh"

"beauty is relative."
"not my relatives."
"i wish just once they would look at me and see me. that's all."

the wall of books is closing in on me.
"C3PO, shut down all the garbage compactors on the detention level!"

i walk out to see,
then see how it would be if no one were there, suddenly the george foreman, and the vacuum cleaner, and dirty pots and pans don't seem so useful to me. how could i ignore the one thing that that filled this house with such meaning, until it could possibly be gone. lost forever. not a joke, a movie moment to say to yourself in some imagined future "happy now? you waited for ever, and now it's too late."
somehow it doesn't seem like it could feel that easy to say
counting the trees and the animals in the little picture above the toilet, so good , now standing to pee
how could i be this grown

when someone hurts you, you have one of two options, right?
you can either 1. retaliate, agressive, eye-for-an-eye revenge OR 2. retreat, take it in, but do not respond, don't let anyone know you hurt. --- that's it, right?
heh. highly doubtful. but when it comes down to the shit of fight-or-flight, that's pretty much the two things we either/or end up doin', ain't it?

why do i keep imagining a scene of me turning my family living room into a couseling session as something totally silly?

"it hurts."
"oh sweetie, that's what hearts do."

I can't tell ya where I'm going, I'm not sure where I've been.
But I know I must keep travelin' til my road comes to an end.
I'm out here on my journey tryin to make the most of it.
I'm a puzzle, I must figure out where all my pieces fit.
Like a poor wayfarin stranger that they speak about in song,
I'm just a weary pilgrim tryin to find my own way home.

whispering words into a electronic journal, a la Penny Robinson

I bend my Nike stretch-pant swarthed leg out and to the left just so, where the floor A/C vent sticking out of the hideous rainbow puzzle piece floor tiles blows cool air right up my leg, across my crotch and out the other pant leg. Strange.
Every day I think to myself: I can gain some muscle, but it doesn't seem likely that I could actually gain any sort of great deal of weight. My stomach just doesn't hold enough.

I spend my entire day at work, doing not work (thankfully) but allowing myself to get dragged into what turned out to be yet another Mouse Trap misadventure in which my attempts to help you in some way backfire in my face, literal fire, burning my face, some house, the key still on my ring, always thinking i could return to visit the old place, and now the thought of it all burning down, with one fell SwooAIM - exponentiated 'fuck you's directed toward the complacency one individual could dare to exude pretending to believe something so rich and so unique to anything else in existence to us could just be shrugged away. Sandbox games, where the only rule is to get it in your eyes, crying, or seeing who does first, in which I walk down mazes only to test how far I would walk. Any end in sight? It's not like I'm always looking for some sort of savory manchego or brie. But to have walls collapse around me, that which I climbed onto a craggly cliff to pursue threaten not only my emotional fortitude but that which i set out to mend, and then only realize that it was all SHRUGGABLE. Deemed by some non-present self-proclaimed rule-gamer to be MY DECISION - it was never about me - the problem was that I made everything about me - on and on - and in the end, it all seems only a test to see how far I (that's ME< MYSELF < I )-- how far I would venture for the sake of another. Can a independent variable ever be a dependent variable at the same time?

There's more...I still need to report on the "adventurous" weekend....as well as "a distant beach", "we could 'not talk' for hours", and "jobs in sight".
..Til then.

if you let that feeling come over you
than there's nothing more that you can do
just let it go
let it go
if it's love you want
hold out your arms
it's alright here
it's safe and warm
it's okay to feel good
thats the way it should be

You can't ever tell me I haven't been happy, anywhere, and everwhere I've been - and with most of you that I've met. Thus one could say I'm a happy person.

But can a coward be happy forever?

*Rawr*

I don't believe anyone can fathom how totally and repeatedly bored I am here...and now.

I'm bored with staring at this stupid ad of "Click to Outlift Arnie" with arnold and bush weightlifting at the top of my myspace blog entry window.
I'm bored with sitting in this room filled with all of my shit...books, movies, things to fill my time, i thought, and not wanting to pick anything up.
I'm bored with feeling totally disconnected from everyone, not posessing any true, deeply held desire to conversate with anyone, and them not wanting to conversate with me, (one potentially being caused by the other, or vice versa, who knows), well, except for maybe my parents, who sit complacently in the living room, as always. But now, at home for potentially the last three months for a very long, long time, I, excited to do things, and get them out of their fucking recliners and stay moving, in their lives - whatever- I find myself continually slamming face first into that wall of complacency. God, I mean does having spent a good five or six years of my life hearing them beg and whine for some kind of contact with me, to talk to them, anything - has all that been totally erased from their minds? And now, here I am, willing to put myself through the hell of living in this lifeless town, ONLY for them, to get close to them, and there's....nothing. I leave my door wide open, i go and sit in the living room, i walk by really slowly, annnnnnd....nothing. I made the effort to build a tent a drag them outside to play board games and --- Okay, fine. So i'm not exactly the best initiator of contact in this major complaint of mine. Why do they make me so mad? Don't they realize how little time they have? I mean do they think that they still have a good two months to convice me to stay at home forever? Fuck that. I'm sorry.

AM I THE EPITOMIZATION OF LAZINESS?
if so, how did i get this way?
by being totally spoiled all my life?
shit.

I keep saying I'm going to start doing the pushups, get back into practicing tap, eat more, get my car and moped fixed, sell a great deal of the shit I own, get back in contact with people I care about but haven't talked to in ages, the list goes on I assure you. But......nothing. WHY?

I feel so trapped in my own complacency, anti-motivation, procrastiation, and lack of 'get-up-and-go-ness'.
What to do, what to do...

Oh well, this is really getting me nowhere.....better go do nothing somewhere a little less productive.

grinded daily

i'm sitting here in my "office", at my crap computer, with nothing to do, but wait for the phone to ring. I just got moved to another desk (which is actually the 8'x8' copy room - the hummmmm is killing me) because another department didn't want to get rid of an old secretary, so they're sending her over here to answer the phones...which is (or was) half of my job responsibility. Now I really don't know why I'm here. The shelves in this room that I organized last week loom above my head, and I can imaging some Alan-Ball-esque imagination-sequence where the endless rows come tumbling down on my head, too much for me. Probably not. It's not like it's some torturous ordeal here. It's just routine and boredom and pretending to be comfortable talking to people I don't know or care about.

Updating my pics last night, finally after, what? six months was fun last night. Tonight after working out, eating (never enough) and maybe going out to see XmenIII, I'll purchase my plane tickets for the two weeks I'll be at the American Tap Dance Foundation's Work Study Program. Feels like the only interesting thing in my life presently.

Oh, I've read two and a half books already! In only two weeks. That's gotta be some kinda record for me. Why do I get so easily jaded with things? I'm totally free? No more college, school, schedu---yeah, hold it there buddy....that's all wrong....you had it easy before. Now's when the real hell begins...

"And now life really begins, and now life really begins....GO TO IT!"

....and i thought, shit.

brief interlude

There's nothing like intense 3am conversation with someone you care about bordering on the rant to get good quotes out like this:

SOMETIMES I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO UNDERSTAND THE BRUTALITY OF A GOOD RELATIONSHIP.......DON'T YOU JUST PROVOKE PEOPLE SOMETIMES BECAUSE YOU WANT THEM TO GIVE YOU A GOOD PUNCH BACK....LET YOU KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE....OR TO FEEL AT ALL?

can't see the trees for the forest

Coming home from theatre party - meeting new people - "big spender" - (kevin/junior tension) - not going to carl's - JUNIOR - looking just like Steven Strait with....nvm....outbidding him......shaking today - when does this infernal SHAKING CEASE!???????? - it kept going on and on.... drood folks (justin) never showed to the party..... i get home and not a soul is there....house has been ravaged by beer and disorganized rolicking... facebooking to all getup and falling asleep totally alone, thinking is this what i need to condition myself toward to be able to survive what i'm setting my life up for? - the empty room laughed at me....punatively the only room on the first floor that didn't reek of beer -MY FUCKING HARD DRIVE WON"T WORK --- i'm getting desperate -this can't' be good - IT"S MY GODDAMN HOUSE TOO --- hearing patrick yelling at her when they all get home - seeing tony having told her to have it totally cleaned up when he gets home as i go out for my shower - hearing her bitching out all of us on the phone as i get out -- standing at the dark sink sipping water and vitamin, daring her to say something to me, i'll explode so hard she doesn't even know - she'd die - i'm shaking again - is it more mature of me to not say anything --- like should i just ignore what roommates TALK about - as it's not direct action that influences me --- but IT DOES influence me! --- i keep on shaking - fear out of what I might do? - --- thus, MATURE = REPRESSED

Ignorant Bliss or Enlightened Torture? you tell me.

all i want is to-- to.......why am i so freakin teary eyed....? over what? - what is it you want? --- someone to comfort and cuddle you.....tell you everything's going to be all right when you still accept the fact that it isn't? what then? what are you so desperately aching for? SOMEONE HELP --- but why, really? isn't it the very you that is so set on the path to independence and self-reliance? how are you going to survive in the wilderness, hell, on your own at all with all these complexes and neuroticisms still troubling you? YOU TALK TO YOURSELF INCESSANTLY FOR GOD"S SAKE.

imagine taking that gross, groggy feeling you have all over you when you wake up from an afternoon nap, in additon to that 'end is near' feeling when you're body is vomiting but there's nothing else in you to vomit, and also the patronizing feeling of being the only 8yr old in a room full of old women with much "bigger" problems on their brunch plate> take all those feelings and Magic Bullet the hell out of 'em, and I think you'd be getting close to what I feel like.
Why do you think you're so empty?

that repeated dread, scrolling down to see no "new comments", no "new messages", no "new friend requests" - nothing......what do they want? more interesting and frequent blogs? i can write more charismatic and clever entries i swear! i mean come on - one hundred and eighty three friends, and nothing - no comments, no messages , nothing - (i need a life)....

Anger--Desire Management

I woke from my uncommon nap bout 7:15 pm to the sound of drag queens cavorting about the house. The saddest part of this evening is that it wasn't until after the fact that I was able to ask myself what (or who) in the hell persuaded me to go to this event?

Hamilton drives over, have my first (of two minimum requirement) cran/gimlets of the weekend, he drives my car to campus - LGBTSU DRAG SHOW - first half hour spent attached at Hamilton's side, bore-ed-ly (that's right) listening to him talk forEVer to friends I was never introduced to (great friend :p ), then finally persuading him, after obligatory cigarette, to come inside. It was a rattlesnake pit of highly concentrated fagotry in its most volatile and petty form. I should have walked right out the door. I don't know what else to say. The only productive thing I got out of that half hour of hell was a further application of my "anger-desire" theory..... let me delineate.....

(Developed and presented to two friends in car, on the way to buy tap shoes, one random Wed afteroon Jan '06)

So... the idea is that ANGER is just another form of DESIRE. Case: You are arguing with someone you know, right? You are pissed, confused, angry, yelling at them , whatever. But why are you doing this? Logically, the reason you get frustrated when trying to express something to a person, through whatever means, is because YOU WANT THEM TO UNDERSTAND you, your point, whatever. It is a DESIRE to have them connect with you, for them to get you, for you to make sense to someone...that you care about enough to put forth the energy of raising your voice, restating/reorganizing your point, etc. Conversely, if you really, honestly had no care in the world about this person, hated them, or were totally apathetic to their general reception of you, then you would have turned and walked away hours ago. You wouldn't be there. Your mere prescene signifies that you care enough to be SOMETHING (an existing entity of whatever variable the situation or you set yourself up for) for that person, in their own world. You are present for them. The worst thing a human being can be for another human being is, in essense, to NOT BE- to cease to exist, to leave, disappear, die. (here we exlude the capacity for MEMORY and any value placed upon it, certainly there is always value in the memory of a person) From this, and excluding the concept of memory as well as the complicated conceptual constructs of self-image (a person's (subconscious?) constant attempts to appear as something for the sake of their own ego/conscience), we can see how ANGER could be a FORM OF DESIRE.

Now, back to the present...

This "gay scene" - wat if we (as i did) attempted to apply the ANGER-DESIRE model to this social world? In other words, you have this reportedly "not-so-desireable" locale in which a general age window of 18-29 gravitates, and in which anyone you ask would generally detest the mention of, and yet- again and again, you would still find these same people returning to these same places or general gathering events. Then again, hard as it may be to believe, there exists a great deal of the gay population that is NEVER SEEN at any of these locales. They have no voice. By this I mean, you can't go to a club and find out why certain people or just a portion of the population in general is not present. There is really no way of knowing. Other than the mere citing of the negative qualities of locales, but then again, those present seem the most equipped and in truth the most commonly ripping apart these places of gathering in which they themselves are found nearly every weekend. Now, apply the model. It seems to me that for "attendees" (as we will call them from here on out), have some sort of unsaid obligation to continually act better than the places in which they frequent. How do we account for this? If they truly hated a place, or didn't want to be there- LOGIC -they wouldn't be there. Could this be a point from which one could apply the ANGER-DESIRE model? Do people who frequent these place and continually complain about them have some sort of unexpressed frustration of desiring a place to congregate with their fellow fags, but constantly feel "misunderstood", wanting a place that fits for them, that they can understand, and with people that can understand them? Hmmm.......(this is as far as I've gotten with this line of thought, any contributions would be greatly appreciated)

After a moment or two of this theorizing, I dragged myself, Hamilton (after being the last woman to leave the garden club! gotta fuckin talk for hours!), and long-missed friend David Grimes and we quietly snuck out, but not without a curious, accusing glare from one over-product-ed head or one popped collar or another. To the movies!

Underworld had just come out, David had already seen it, wouldn't mind seein it again he says, get there, I'm paranoid about running into more faces I'd rather not encounter on my hopefully pleasant start to the weekend, we realize Underworld is sold out til 10:55 (this is at 9:30) - so we jump on the chance to see HOSTEL. Gotta drag scared ol' Hamilton into the place though - lol - oh well.

Get out of the movie with Hamilton's fingernails still dug into my shoulder,--surprisedly, I went into the movie expected to be seriously bored and/or disappointed - never really been impressed with much of the modern-day horror/thriller genre, alas. But the movie provided a great deal of commentary (wonder what sort of hand Tarantino had in all of it) about stuff. First thriller I've ever seen a non-female minority character come out as the hero. Notions of beauty and the unwillingness to live if you don't have a pretty face. Then the HUGE IRONIC underlying theme of the whole film (SPOILER WARNING!!!), of going to the complete other side of the world and still unable to escape the twisted insatiable desire of the modern American man to kill. After escaping, the protagonist ends up in a business suit just like the rest of the men who come to pay to torture, and ends up torturing himself. The greatest irony (that, as in most films, the horribly non-self-aware audience fails to take note of) is the unanimous ecstatic desire of everyone in the audience to root for the protagonist to run right over the characters that got him into the mess in the first place when presented with the opportunity. Revenge. Kill because they've tried to kill you. The killed becomes the killer. Eye for an eye Christian morals at their finest. I am still torn between the child skull bashing with rock shot or the eyeball puss struck me as the most grotesque. Had no problem watching it though. Then again, I am a middle class while male, must be in my veins or something. :p

Then off to TGIF, where we wished Lane a happy bday, disappointed my friends (who had arrived shortly before) (and which i'm becoming better and better at each day :.. ) by leaving soon after - "an appearance"

now for something a little more vague - my usual terrain *popping knuckles*

"If I made dinner, would you be available?"
This is me, after over-analysis, falling into my over-played role of domestic, all-the-time-in-the-world-to-spare housewife role *BLAH!!*
Why am I so comfortable, putting myself up to these little projects of time filling (where I have plenty, as I never get to MY OWN business!) where I setup the perfect romantic or friendly scene for ___ (anyone really) to come "home" to after a busy day. GOD I"M HORRIBLE.
I get too obsessive. I care too much. No. I care in the wrong ways. I have to distance myself (No?) but then I become apapthetic. and kinda bitchy too. Hmm...
Maybe this whole theory bullshit is just me trying to rationalize the parts of me I don't understand....which is most of me.

There's been a change in me, a kind of moving on, though what I used to be, I still depend upon. For now I realize, that good can come from bad, that may not make me wise, but oh it makes me glad. And I, I never thought I'd leave behind, my childhood dreams, but I don't mind for now I love the world I see, No change of heart, A Change in Me.

For in my dark despair, I slowly understood, my perfect world out there, had disappeared for good, but in this place I feel, a truer life begin, and it's so good and real, it must come from within, and I, I never thought I'd leave behind, my childhood dreams, but I don't mind , I weren't who I want to be, no change of heart, A Change in Me.

..afterword..and a small rift...

So dinner at Manna Cafe was incredible (minus some sloppy service here or there), I'm so lucky to have friends like these! -- got a little tipsy off a Midori Fizz and Mojitos but made it through the night....then it was movie time.....
made a stack of about 7 movies I was willing to watch (I'll admit, I was kinda up for some solitudinous depression, don't know why, so the titles suggested such a mood).....and I don't know how it got to the top of the stack, but I ended up watching The Laramie Project, which I hadn't seen in over two years.... wow......the clincher I think the most for me was ,....getting up, sitting at my computer, looking at my buddy list......and just thinking about everyone......and the endless things that could happen to people-- sure, things have gotten better in the past decade, but ya never know *shrug*-- I think, overall in life, I'm kinda turning away from (very slowly) from my emotional attachment, or affectability perhaps, to movies and their characters and circumstances, and more towards the "characters" of my own life.....however distant they may be.

Then a random IM ( I couldn't help myself ), three objects, -- can't talk now....

-"Are you OK?"
-"I'll be fine..."
-"Are you sure?"
-".........what would you do if I wasn't?"

STORY IDEA:
The man who would never perform- who would never have 'the gall' to create- or present- or defend a creation of his own- and why that's all he's ever wanted to do. To be strong in something of his own- his body, his words, his art.......his love.

And then a mysterious CD, out of the night....lands on your doorstep, answering with nothing but perfect lyrics and guidance.........and affirmation.

A Song For......To Be Performed by my 'to-be-developed' Character:

"If I Ever Say I'm Over You"

If I ever say I'm over you
the unsentimental thing I do
will have driven out the ghosts
somehow and pull me through

If I tend to disregard your touch
well it seems to me
it would be such a waste of time
to let this poor heart feel that much.

But sometimes a photograph can make me cry or force a laugh
and somehow the memory of how complete we used to be
is keeping me from you.

If you ever hear me doubt the past
it's a simple fact we didn't last
run aground on hard times
while good times flew too fast

I'm not sure if we can make amends
this may be the way our story ends
with too little left for lovers
and too much more friends.

But sometimes a photograph can make me cry or force a laugh
and somehow the memory of how complete we used to be
is keeping me from you.
So don't believe it's true
If I ever say I'm over you.

...more rain?

--hardly. beautiful day. more or less glad mike, homework, cool gridz, a certain phonecall, and LOST kept me distracted from that previous line of thought. way too introspective *myuck!*

the great weekend awaits. whatever shall this one bring? some fancy financial aid blowing, a cranberry gimlet or two, and FLEXIBLE casts (that's to all you authoritarian television "my life" melodrama casting directors!)

I had a thought yesterday that I was priviledged enough to have a good friend nearby to relay it to, but might as well share....
Ok, so upon yet more over-analysis and theorizing of which most of you know I am yet painfully accustomed, I thought to myself from a certain angle the rub of ATTRACTION (that's as in "Aye, there's the rub"). The thing no one realizes is that the basis of attraction (let's reduce this idea to a simplified level of just physical attraction, or initial attraction) is set outside of a dynamic, ever-changing time. It fails to consider CHANGE. When someone comes along in your life and they are attracted to you, they are attracted to you as you are at this particular moment in your life, not as you would be 6 months or 5 years from now when you've gained 50lbs or become a practicing buddist or finally learned to dance a tango. It doesn't even occur to the "attracted" mind, does it? If we take this idea on into relationships, in the most general sense, -- well, just imagine the scene: lying in bed, telling your "other" you want to start going to the gym, or go get a tattoo or go study some obscure form of religious practice, under most "non-ideal" circumstances, it's going to be in one way or another their obligation to say to you some form of "oh you don't have to do that, i like you just the way you are!" - am i wrong? - certainly all this is just theorizing and conjecture. But is this not a point that needs to be made. Do we not fathom the capacity for change, for growth, for progress in our fellow man? How often do we hear of a friend liking a person because of their "potential" or their "tranformational capabilities" ;) - really though. Well, that's pretty much it. Just a thought.

Bring on MANNA, and a great dinner with great friends.

Beautiful Day Rant

epicurus83: i'm tired of being 22 - i want someone to play with!
epicurus83: (go ahead and read that wrong, i know you will)
micholobnole03: lol
micholobnole03: :-P , ok so elaborate
epicurus83: i dunno - it's seems there so....MUCH --- and we're all just sitting around....i want to go frolick and play --- have FUN with people - even if it does border on what i thougth you'd thought was "play" --- cuddle whatever -- blah - i just feel so uptight with everyone all the time---- no one seems to want to get out and do any "daytime funstuff"
epicurus83: i could go on....
micholobnole03: well keep going
epicurus83: :) -- like it's so bright and sunny outside, i want to bewith/surroundmyself with people that wouldn't think twice about going out and not taking it for granted....from what we've all got now, a differnt take on the "spending time together" - -- tired of the only ever wanting to get drunk or go so some free event that "provides" for us in some way......
epicurus83: and it's not like i want to sit here and rant to someone and expect them to just up and start doing it........i want to know people that already think/feel the same way - like there's so much more than what we've got right now -- and they're willing to take a little adventure here and there and "get up, go out, and get it" ("There's Gotta Be Something Better Than This" - Sweet Charity) -- ......i know that i used to know people like that. :..
epicurus83: I WANT PEOPLE TO CALL ME UP FOR A CHANGE - RANDOM PEOPLE - and see opportunity where most would only see "tricking" or whatever -- "courting" - blah --- i just want to feel comfortable hanging out with a gay guy ..-- because we're both comfortable witht he fact that we're friends and that's whats best -- and that IS the best -- not so much tension you know?
9:52:26 AM epicurus83: i want to go to the humane society and "borrow" a dog and take him for a walk around Tom brown park for the day, exploring
epicurus83: i want to have one day, just ONE DAY where my happiness doesn't depend on spending money
epicurus83: consumption of any sort
epicurus83: appreciating what i have around me for what it is.....getting back to things
epicurus83: you have no idea how many people (okay, like three) that i don't even know that well that i was so close at 1am last nigth to IM'ing asking awkwardly if they wanted to come over and hang out/cuddle /do something random
micholobnole03: haha
epicurus83: everyone CAN'T be as content as they SEEM to be with this boring life!
micholobnole03: ok well i can see what you're saying. i mean as far as other ppl go, i mean i dont know. but, i know jordan and i would be up for stuff. i mean like the picnic last year was great and stuff, so its not like we would be totally against it or something. as far as for me, i'm just more of an inside, city person. i'm not too fond of the outdoors, but i mean again, i'd be up for shit. hey we can always play tennis. its been forever since we last played
micholobnole03: http://articles.news.aol.com/news/article.adp?id=20060216143409990007&cid=2194
epicurus83: heh
micholobnole03: appropriate

if so, then i wouldn't mind the rain...

thanks to the deliverer of my currently fav song , at least as best i can say at the moment.....goes write well with a rainy day....

wish i could right

where has the time all gone to --- no, you pretty much no how much time you spend doing anything but what you no you will never (get around to, start , begin, change---) DO. (period) no this........ there is know way out .....of you're (an) own head start into the dance that is to once dreamed upon a life that you no (you could make) you will knever no.

...the illusory bastard that is time

well, if nothing else, it's a new semester, a new year, but who's to say it won't be like all the other new semesters, new years? --- i mean, it's the easiest thing, isn't it? to follow your percieved, over-theorized pattern of 'people, places, and things', know? hints of 'fatal attraction', irresolute pastward angst and hate, oppressive business ventures in sight, an overall dreadfully BLANK looming future, you know, the full cadre of astrological over-generalized insights - hey, you know, i may just do something different.

well, it's well past time for all the toasts and resolutions to be made, i've missed the carpe die-ish moment yet again, the music really needs to change --- i need to- to-- umm---

brb....

other contemplations

(free association)
doomed forever to stalk the silent relapses of an impossibly

scratching nagging growth chin

i should go back....type in this everything i've written.......no - i mean there's some relevant insights....building legos.......

*bam* - *hits a brick wall* there and i'm done

*ready for the one thing? - analysis/self-reflection - i didn't say it last night.

"well see if you can follow me around the room...." (get that one for bonus points)

» Roark, Simon, James
loins, head, heart respectively

wouldn't that be cool if we could just put one of those factors in a "jar"
while the other two play around?
(I DID - now LISTEN)

Simon, as usual, totally fed up with listening to any more of your shit, any attempt at thought coming out of your mouth never sits well with him, he was ready to kick you out and go to bed alone
James was willing to go along with Simon , but do it politely, he's the one that clams up, or is clammed up by the other two, they're the rowdy ones, and James neverhardly gets a word in, *feelings turned OFF*
» Roark on the other hand was begging to be ravaged - fuck consequences, take me in my twilight zone he said, angered when you didn't know when to turn out the light, pleading for it harder, writhing in the contact, running back into hiding after getting off
» .....................there.

» (follow the visuals:-->>)
on a merry-goround thing, the kinda at playgrounds, that you spin then jump onto and try to balance in the middle

it's so easy to lay down in the middle and let the polar opposites pull back and forth with each rapid circular spin
» but the challenge is standing up.
» putting some altitude and importance to that third coordinate (think triangle) the heart, slight above and between the other two, balancing on three axes - each with their own relevant voice ---- it's harder to listen to all three - and balance on the merry go round

Lessons learned from a year passed...

- never mix business with pleasure
- never get in a situation where someone OWES you large sums of money
or any other material wealth
- OWN a PRIVATE LIFE
- don't fuck around with people
- don't let people fuck around with you
- Have FAITH is people you care about
- Have FAITH in yourself (is that possible?)
- Egocentrism is not a crime
- Gossip of people....their personality, tragic failings, idiosyncrasies, things you just can't stand about them......that's wrong........gossip of events, actions, occurrences, that's ok.......that's journalism
- Learn from mistakes instead of being bitter about them and seeking revenge
- Don't spend so much money on parties (......except one...*evil grin*)
- Pay back debts
- CUT LOSSES
- NEVER move in with a LOVER
- Never get in a relationship with someone who's going to be a completely different person when they're in it
- Likewise, don't be a completely different person when in something different, or in a different sort of relationship with a person
- Don't tolerate STUPID people
- DON't VOLUNTEER for projects you won't have the time/energy/motivation for
- Don't take everything so seriously
- RELAX
- KEEP TIME FOR YOURSELF
(more to come/recall?)