Anger--Desire Management

I woke from my uncommon nap bout 7:15 pm to the sound of drag queens cavorting about the house. The saddest part of this evening is that it wasn't until after the fact that I was able to ask myself what (or who) in the hell persuaded me to go to this event?

Hamilton drives over, have my first (of two minimum requirement) cran/gimlets of the weekend, he drives my car to campus - LGBTSU DRAG SHOW - first half hour spent attached at Hamilton's side, bore-ed-ly (that's right) listening to him talk forEVer to friends I was never introduced to (great friend :p ), then finally persuading him, after obligatory cigarette, to come inside. It was a rattlesnake pit of highly concentrated fagotry in its most volatile and petty form. I should have walked right out the door. I don't know what else to say. The only productive thing I got out of that half hour of hell was a further application of my "anger-desire" theory..... let me delineate.....

(Developed and presented to two friends in car, on the way to buy tap shoes, one random Wed afteroon Jan '06)

So... the idea is that ANGER is just another form of DESIRE. Case: You are arguing with someone you know, right? You are pissed, confused, angry, yelling at them , whatever. But why are you doing this? Logically, the reason you get frustrated when trying to express something to a person, through whatever means, is because YOU WANT THEM TO UNDERSTAND you, your point, whatever. It is a DESIRE to have them connect with you, for them to get you, for you to make sense to someone...that you care about enough to put forth the energy of raising your voice, restating/reorganizing your point, etc. Conversely, if you really, honestly had no care in the world about this person, hated them, or were totally apathetic to their general reception of you, then you would have turned and walked away hours ago. You wouldn't be there. Your mere prescene signifies that you care enough to be SOMETHING (an existing entity of whatever variable the situation or you set yourself up for) for that person, in their own world. You are present for them. The worst thing a human being can be for another human being is, in essense, to NOT BE- to cease to exist, to leave, disappear, die. (here we exlude the capacity for MEMORY and any value placed upon it, certainly there is always value in the memory of a person) From this, and excluding the concept of memory as well as the complicated conceptual constructs of self-image (a person's (subconscious?) constant attempts to appear as something for the sake of their own ego/conscience), we can see how ANGER could be a FORM OF DESIRE.

Now, back to the present...

This "gay scene" - wat if we (as i did) attempted to apply the ANGER-DESIRE model to this social world? In other words, you have this reportedly "not-so-desireable" locale in which a general age window of 18-29 gravitates, and in which anyone you ask would generally detest the mention of, and yet- again and again, you would still find these same people returning to these same places or general gathering events. Then again, hard as it may be to believe, there exists a great deal of the gay population that is NEVER SEEN at any of these locales. They have no voice. By this I mean, you can't go to a club and find out why certain people or just a portion of the population in general is not present. There is really no way of knowing. Other than the mere citing of the negative qualities of locales, but then again, those present seem the most equipped and in truth the most commonly ripping apart these places of gathering in which they themselves are found nearly every weekend. Now, apply the model. It seems to me that for "attendees" (as we will call them from here on out), have some sort of unsaid obligation to continually act better than the places in which they frequent. How do we account for this? If they truly hated a place, or didn't want to be there- LOGIC -they wouldn't be there. Could this be a point from which one could apply the ANGER-DESIRE model? Do people who frequent these place and continually complain about them have some sort of unexpressed frustration of desiring a place to congregate with their fellow fags, but constantly feel "misunderstood", wanting a place that fits for them, that they can understand, and with people that can understand them? Hmmm.......(this is as far as I've gotten with this line of thought, any contributions would be greatly appreciated)

After a moment or two of this theorizing, I dragged myself, Hamilton (after being the last woman to leave the garden club! gotta fuckin talk for hours!), and long-missed friend David Grimes and we quietly snuck out, but not without a curious, accusing glare from one over-product-ed head or one popped collar or another. To the movies!

Underworld had just come out, David had already seen it, wouldn't mind seein it again he says, get there, I'm paranoid about running into more faces I'd rather not encounter on my hopefully pleasant start to the weekend, we realize Underworld is sold out til 10:55 (this is at 9:30) - so we jump on the chance to see HOSTEL. Gotta drag scared ol' Hamilton into the place though - lol - oh well.

Get out of the movie with Hamilton's fingernails still dug into my shoulder,--surprisedly, I went into the movie expected to be seriously bored and/or disappointed - never really been impressed with much of the modern-day horror/thriller genre, alas. But the movie provided a great deal of commentary (wonder what sort of hand Tarantino had in all of it) about stuff. First thriller I've ever seen a non-female minority character come out as the hero. Notions of beauty and the unwillingness to live if you don't have a pretty face. Then the HUGE IRONIC underlying theme of the whole film (SPOILER WARNING!!!), of going to the complete other side of the world and still unable to escape the twisted insatiable desire of the modern American man to kill. After escaping, the protagonist ends up in a business suit just like the rest of the men who come to pay to torture, and ends up torturing himself. The greatest irony (that, as in most films, the horribly non-self-aware audience fails to take note of) is the unanimous ecstatic desire of everyone in the audience to root for the protagonist to run right over the characters that got him into the mess in the first place when presented with the opportunity. Revenge. Kill because they've tried to kill you. The killed becomes the killer. Eye for an eye Christian morals at their finest. I am still torn between the child skull bashing with rock shot or the eyeball puss struck me as the most grotesque. Had no problem watching it though. Then again, I am a middle class while male, must be in my veins or something. :p

Then off to TGIF, where we wished Lane a happy bday, disappointed my friends (who had arrived shortly before) (and which i'm becoming better and better at each day :.. ) by leaving soon after - "an appearance"

now for something a little more vague - my usual terrain *popping knuckles*

"If I made dinner, would you be available?"
This is me, after over-analysis, falling into my over-played role of domestic, all-the-time-in-the-world-to-spare housewife role *BLAH!!*
Why am I so comfortable, putting myself up to these little projects of time filling (where I have plenty, as I never get to MY OWN business!) where I setup the perfect romantic or friendly scene for ___ (anyone really) to come "home" to after a busy day. GOD I"M HORRIBLE.
I get too obsessive. I care too much. No. I care in the wrong ways. I have to distance myself (No?) but then I become apapthetic. and kinda bitchy too. Hmm...
Maybe this whole theory bullshit is just me trying to rationalize the parts of me I don't understand....which is most of me.

There's been a change in me, a kind of moving on, though what I used to be, I still depend upon. For now I realize, that good can come from bad, that may not make me wise, but oh it makes me glad. And I, I never thought I'd leave behind, my childhood dreams, but I don't mind for now I love the world I see, No change of heart, A Change in Me.

For in my dark despair, I slowly understood, my perfect world out there, had disappeared for good, but in this place I feel, a truer life begin, and it's so good and real, it must come from within, and I, I never thought I'd leave behind, my childhood dreams, but I don't mind , I weren't who I want to be, no change of heart, A Change in Me.