i need to be explained how i overuse the term "whining" - because, if corrected, i think my less use of it would help my situation out quite a bit...
so i don't know where to put things - and i'm totallly preoccupied with fantasy worlds where everyone is still a kid and sex and awkward and sex and .......shit.......nothing like that exists.........
where does that leave me?
all the endings are wrong.......i plan them out.....i mean i figure out the things i want to say but then it never works out that way ---- i told him ------ the beginnings are easy, it's the endings i can never seem to get right......
the talking never comes.....the right words never come.......but the dreams , they always come........if i just wait it all out.......like i used to do as a kid.....stand there, obedient, compliant, ......wait it out.....then cry it all out.........then go to sleep......and let all the dreams no matter how sunny or bloody , let them all flood in.........
I won't find a wardrobe or a potion or a flying carpet or a time machine anytime soon........ so until then, what am i to do?
*eyes getting heavy* i want to write more .....i want to write better......at least so you can see what all is welling up inside ("This empty space inside of me is filling up, I want it, oh, i want it, I want it for my own, I've got to know, I've got to know, What is this place that I have found: WHAT ....IS.....THIS?").......maybe some day I'll let myself learn to get it all down on a page......just the right ending.
to this maddening.........
Friday, December 16, 2005
Thursday, December 8, 2005
Rite of Passage
Shhh…close your eyes to mens’ vain distractions…listen deeper, but close your ears…the voices of the ancients upon the wind…voices whispering through the trees, riding on the misty crest of ocean, emanating from within the rocks set upon the earth…voices crying out from within the eyes of animals…
They are calling to you…they hunger for your attentions…they speak wisdom of secret arts long forgotten…when all things were sacred…when all things were teachers, before man put his faith in man and became his own god…
Take me back my fathers, my mothers, take me behind all this, back…before…to a world where there was no impossibility…to a world entered only by children…
Shhhhh…do you hear it?...you who were born hearing, but deaf to what’s real…born seeing, but blind to what’s real…you who learned to speak, but only the languages of man…
The pulse of a living earth…bend a child’s ear to the floor of the world…hear the living voices eternal of past present and future…voices of sacred powers…voices that have always been within, before man shed this power running in fear and while running lost truth…running…running toward an idea that fires in mans need for dependence…running in pursuit of his “science”—his safe explanations and his folklore—his safe, removed mythologies…dead to the miracles of the spiritual energies of the universe, carousing in the night under the majestic power of a full moon, yet never looking up…holding in our hands irreverently what is sacred…
Listen to the heartbeat…the pounding of heated tribal drum resounding over the earth announcing life…
I shed my clothing—tear open my shirt, my chest bathing in the rays of a mystic moon…I close my eyes to mans frenetic reasoning and explanations, I silence and unlearn their education, and I reject the impossibilities of the civilized…and know in my heart that there is much more…untapped…unused…forgotten. “Believe”, they chant in unison, whispering…those ancients gathered in the sacred circle forming within and beneath the aura of full moonlight…forming round the man now unprotected and stripped of the depth and levels of being walled in to the prison of textbook existence…a single man naked and dwarfed by a new world opening up around him—the openness of mountain, of redwood, of sea, of stars in the open night, the cries of the nocturnal creatures, and the mystery and fear of gods---the symphony of nature backing the growing volume of voice that now deafens the sounds of fearful men who reinvented life in their own image and turned their backs on the truthful matters of the spirit within---that which was, is, and will always be.
The power of creation---living, breathing, and moving in all things…the power of creation that lies within our will and upon our very tongue…”Believe”, the one voice of many chants even louder---and I do—and something opens within me and around me---I begin to see higher and farther then before---to see into depths hidden--- not with my senses, but with spirit rousing free from constraint and limits and I, like the moonlight shining upon me and now within me, beam true---the truth of what lies within me…what has lived within me all along and shared in the same heartbeat---lying dormant in wait of this very night…”I Believe!”, I scream under the powerful stillness of the full moon as the wind rushes down to carry my voice higher, echoing wildly on ancient canyon walls…
Cold heat showers over me in waves and shimmers violently in power within me…a medicine injected into my being that begins to travel through the spirits bloodstream from the top of my head, over my shoulders, coating my ribcage, moving through me and out to my extremities like fingers of healing…a vision of a shadow blacker than night moving over the plains, interrupting the stillness of mans sleep appears before me…I hear another’s heartbeat, strong and true, out of the shadows into the light of moon comes revelation…the head of father wolf---face to face with myself…the heartbeat I hear is my own…I look into the mirror of the spirit…medicine of the animal firing my body alive---wolf eyes speaking volumes to my spirit, wolf soul teaching me ancient wisdom with the speed of bolts of lightning, abandoned by man long ago---
I am spirit, and I am man, and I am wolf…there is a new energy coursing through me---the energy of change---traveling from man to wolf and back again, over the bridge of spirit within…I rage hot in my rite of passage, the pains of my rebirth, the first breaths heaving through new powerful lungs… possessed by the souls of those ancients crying out to be heard again…my heart now beating in unison with the tribal drums of the spirit realm heartbeat…with the thunder of the skies, and with the pounding of the surf…
I am man, and I am beast, and I am here…now…supernatural and hungry… before a world desperately, but in futility, attempting to explain me away…I will not disappear like another of your dreams you force yourself, fearful man, to wake from. I will run free on two legs and on four in this realm, over earth, over air, and over plane.
They are calling to you…they hunger for your attentions…they speak wisdom of secret arts long forgotten…when all things were sacred…when all things were teachers, before man put his faith in man and became his own god…
Take me back my fathers, my mothers, take me behind all this, back…before…to a world where there was no impossibility…to a world entered only by children…
Shhhhh…do you hear it?...you who were born hearing, but deaf to what’s real…born seeing, but blind to what’s real…you who learned to speak, but only the languages of man…
The pulse of a living earth…bend a child’s ear to the floor of the world…hear the living voices eternal of past present and future…voices of sacred powers…voices that have always been within, before man shed this power running in fear and while running lost truth…running…running toward an idea that fires in mans need for dependence…running in pursuit of his “science”—his safe explanations and his folklore—his safe, removed mythologies…dead to the miracles of the spiritual energies of the universe, carousing in the night under the majestic power of a full moon, yet never looking up…holding in our hands irreverently what is sacred…
Listen to the heartbeat…the pounding of heated tribal drum resounding over the earth announcing life…
I shed my clothing—tear open my shirt, my chest bathing in the rays of a mystic moon…I close my eyes to mans frenetic reasoning and explanations, I silence and unlearn their education, and I reject the impossibilities of the civilized…and know in my heart that there is much more…untapped…unused…forgotten. “Believe”, they chant in unison, whispering…those ancients gathered in the sacred circle forming within and beneath the aura of full moonlight…forming round the man now unprotected and stripped of the depth and levels of being walled in to the prison of textbook existence…a single man naked and dwarfed by a new world opening up around him—the openness of mountain, of redwood, of sea, of stars in the open night, the cries of the nocturnal creatures, and the mystery and fear of gods---the symphony of nature backing the growing volume of voice that now deafens the sounds of fearful men who reinvented life in their own image and turned their backs on the truthful matters of the spirit within---that which was, is, and will always be.
The power of creation---living, breathing, and moving in all things…the power of creation that lies within our will and upon our very tongue…”Believe”, the one voice of many chants even louder---and I do—and something opens within me and around me---I begin to see higher and farther then before---to see into depths hidden--- not with my senses, but with spirit rousing free from constraint and limits and I, like the moonlight shining upon me and now within me, beam true---the truth of what lies within me…what has lived within me all along and shared in the same heartbeat---lying dormant in wait of this very night…”I Believe!”, I scream under the powerful stillness of the full moon as the wind rushes down to carry my voice higher, echoing wildly on ancient canyon walls…
Cold heat showers over me in waves and shimmers violently in power within me…a medicine injected into my being that begins to travel through the spirits bloodstream from the top of my head, over my shoulders, coating my ribcage, moving through me and out to my extremities like fingers of healing…a vision of a shadow blacker than night moving over the plains, interrupting the stillness of mans sleep appears before me…I hear another’s heartbeat, strong and true, out of the shadows into the light of moon comes revelation…the head of father wolf---face to face with myself…the heartbeat I hear is my own…I look into the mirror of the spirit…medicine of the animal firing my body alive---wolf eyes speaking volumes to my spirit, wolf soul teaching me ancient wisdom with the speed of bolts of lightning, abandoned by man long ago---
I am spirit, and I am man, and I am wolf…there is a new energy coursing through me---the energy of change---traveling from man to wolf and back again, over the bridge of spirit within…I rage hot in my rite of passage, the pains of my rebirth, the first breaths heaving through new powerful lungs… possessed by the souls of those ancients crying out to be heard again…my heart now beating in unison with the tribal drums of the spirit realm heartbeat…with the thunder of the skies, and with the pounding of the surf…
I am man, and I am beast, and I am here…now…supernatural and hungry… before a world desperately, but in futility, attempting to explain me away…I will not disappear like another of your dreams you force yourself, fearful man, to wake from. I will run free on two legs and on four in this realm, over earth, over air, and over plane.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
doesn't get any better than this...........?
*my getaway car*
6:00 AM - Wakeup to alarm sound that immediately wipes dreams being dreampt a millisecond ago from mind
6:02 AM - Quietly ("roommate's" sleepin) pick out clothes to conquer the day
6:05 AM - Shower, masturbate
6:15 AM - Dress, mirror-stuff
6:30 AM - Prepare "to do/stress" list for the day, stack books you'll need
6:35 AM - Scrounge up breakfast (danish, milk, maybe tea, grapes, hard boiled eggs)
6:40 AM - Eat while doing any last minute reading for classes
somewhere between 7:00 AM and 9:00 AM - Drive to campus, med school garage, traverse campus in its entireity to Williams building (ahh, home) sit in class early preparing (over-planning) for all the things you need to accomplish
9:30 AM - 10:45 AM - African American Literature, avoid answering questions for texts you haven't read, avoid dozing off, write in journal if the moment grabs you
11:00 AM - 12:15PM - Latino/a Literature, same room, same as above
12:30 PM - 1:45 PM - Senior Seminar: Science & Literature, upstairs, lofty 4th floor, conference room, better have shit read, cus he'll be askin', more than likely more presentations, sit quietly and excited for the "empty time" that lies before you
2:00 PM - Walk out of Williams feeling envigorated and free (at least for the next four hours), get some food - hot dog stand, plastic bagged sandwich from breakfast, Johnston sub
2:30 PM - Strozier, after doin "rounds", sit at a strategically place computer to watch everyone who walks in and out...chat on AIM, start pretending to do stuff on "To do/stress" list
3:00 PM - possibly meet a friend for lunch, possibly follow a stranger, possibly walk to some other comfortable spot on campus that you think will actually make you more likely to get any work done, if extremely bored, masturbate again (nevermind where), eat again
6:00 PM - walk back to Williams, final class, darkness descends
6:30 PM - 9:30 PM - Modern British Literature, vomit, long, arduous, lecturous, a welcome break at 8:00 PM, plan how you will use the remaining sleepless hours of the night to get as much work as you did during the day- ahem, correction- to get the work you didn't get done during the day, all finished up
9:30 PM - walk in the biting cold, alone, the full length of campus back to med school parking garage, drive home
10:30 PM - check myspace ;), attempt to get some work done, chat online, ultimately fall asleep at some god awful hour with nothing much accomplished in the way of schoolwork
dream and repeat.
.......this is the life.
It's Not Easy Bein' Green
So,... I'm sitting here, the last stop in a long list of stops I've made over the past few days in various different attempts to get my work done:
a paper for latino lit, two discussion boards, two books, and two peer reviews
So i'm sitting here, getting the final research done on the paper - i believe it's due sometime tomorrow before 10am -- i'm getting tired, relaxed.....or just not caring anymore-- sure, it may be the last few weeks of classes.....but i don't think that's it really - just right now - my feeling/state, i'd rather be doing other things - enjoying who i'm with -- wondering what my friends are doing - excited about moving....
I start to wonder.....does it really matter? --- i mean this one paper, sure it's a certain (probably large) percentage of my grade, and it will round out to produce a grade in (what i believe) is a required class for me, i graduate in spring - and im supposed to be applying to grad schools, looking appealing to the great big world out there.........but at the moment, ....i don't think i care so much about all that.....here and now.....it just seems there's so much more........potential for action.......potential for everything as "more" - yeah, you've heard it before ---- "..you've found a home at the Magic Store..." ---- i need to be writing more - more for myself - then again,
I can't shirk all my responsibilities, i have to get these things done....at some point - i wish i could procrastinate less - not 'not at all' but ....less -
i dunno - i think, right now, from where i'm sitting, .....it'll all work out.
a paper for latino lit, two discussion boards, two books, and two peer reviews
So i'm sitting here, getting the final research done on the paper - i believe it's due sometime tomorrow before 10am -- i'm getting tired, relaxed.....or just not caring anymore-- sure, it may be the last few weeks of classes.....but i don't think that's it really - just right now - my feeling/state, i'd rather be doing other things - enjoying who i'm with -- wondering what my friends are doing - excited about moving....
I start to wonder.....does it really matter? --- i mean this one paper, sure it's a certain (probably large) percentage of my grade, and it will round out to produce a grade in (what i believe) is a required class for me, i graduate in spring - and im supposed to be applying to grad schools, looking appealing to the great big world out there.........but at the moment, ....i don't think i care so much about all that.....here and now.....it just seems there's so much more........potential for action.......potential for everything as "more" - yeah, you've heard it before ---- "..you've found a home at the Magic Store..." ---- i need to be writing more - more for myself - then again,
I can't shirk all my responsibilities, i have to get these things done....at some point - i wish i could procrastinate less - not 'not at all' but ....less -
i dunno - i think, right now, from where i'm sitting, .....it'll all work out.
Friday, November 25, 2005
Where do we go from here...
Why is it that I seem to feel like I'm constatly on my knees begging those around me to spring from the malaise and mundacity of everday routine existence to be something more for me....to surprise me....to be my catalyst.....to be my mentor....to show me that the things I want to be are possible......
.....but that's just it.....the things you want for everyone else to do are precisely what you want for yourself to be, the things you want yourself to summon of the courage to be different like you know you can be, different than everyone else......you want to show them that they can be different, that they can be more, through your own actions.....not the other way around.........so why are you always on your knees, silently pleading them to change?
Coming home has only shown me that my personal problems are much worse and more deeply entrenched than I like to go on thinking.
There are so many things.....I could make a little of all the simple little things that I want to do, the simple little things I want to tell people around me, those I care about - honestry, truths about myself, so that they may know me better.....before they are all gone.....there is a massive list of these things, that can all be answered with a simple ....."JUST DO IT" .....but is it really that simple?
For those that think that I am so overly-complicated and analytical, never allowing for an explanation of less than 100 words, never permitting myself to a simple "yes" or "no" - I want to show them that they are wrong.....at least partly.......I accept that there are many simple, one-word explanations for things in life.....simple answers to things.....and perhaps it is these things that I fear the most. The face-value, committed, rip-your-heart-out facts. And over-subjectifying everything won't always get you everywhere......or nowhere.
I know I can do these things.
I know I want to do these things.
I know what I can be.
What does that make me now?
I tried to "theorize" that I'm the type of person that doesn't know where to put things ("The Great Thanksgiving Dillemma" - a walk in the woods) -- coming out of the woods, realizing that the most organized, OCD people may very well be the worst at knowing where to put all the INTERNAL things......where to put my interests, motivations, loves, desires for everything.
Ironically, the majority of your theories, that are meant to provide some order and understanding to your mixed up world, are the very best at showing how mixed up and disorderly you are inside.
Well, I mean it's not like I would suddenly drop dead if I were to commit myself to stating only the cold, hard, honest facts for a full day....
Though I've forced myself to drink half of the personal/travel bottle of this Tropicana "Light'n Healthy, 1/2 less sugar and calories apple juice that my mom has apparently been buying, it really tastes like crap.
....as does the fat free milk, that tastes watered down and fails to leave milk moustaches.
If you only have minor qualms about the essence of your life, DeFuniak will confirm beyond all reasonable doubt that your life is truly meaningless :) (all in good fun, all in good fun!)
I don't know how to talk to my parents.
Hell, I don't know how to talk - period. I type the best.
(and even then , I seem to make no sense to most)
I hate these periods of time where I actually can't do much but wait things out.....I've spent the majority of my life waiting things out.....WHY do I suddenly feel it's so awful when I'm obligated to do it! lol
(damn myspace won't search for "what i'm listening to" - hmph - Anyway, it's "Crawling Towards the Sun" The Hush Sound - Fueled By Ramen Sampler - thanks jordan!)
I just got back from another walk in the woods.....even went to the trouble to get my dad's waders (waterproof boots/overalls) down from the attic....to walk through the swamp.....been meanin to do that for awhile.....I came back with nothing....except a few bad pictures......I wanted to go to the lakeyard earlier to take pictures.....but I'd be afraid there were no good ones, stuff I'd seen over and over for the past 20 years and that I may run into people I knew from the past that I would "paranoidically" imagine them thinking "oh look there's that gay kid, didn't you hear the gossip, think that kid is gay, what a shame" as they muster up a "hi, how is college treatin ya" ....... then I thought about going to see RENT.....eh, but not alone......
I want someone to hold onto....
even if it's some stinky perfumed relative, my wet dog just crawled out from the swamp, or a friend I barely know.
**********************************************************************
wow.....ok, so yeah - i have a serious problem with "getting to know" people - with girls.....it's practically nonexistent......with straight guys...it's outright paranoia/fear that they'll they I'm coming on to them.....and with gay guys....it's outright my own fear that I AM coming on to them......the attraction always clogs things up......or speeds things up (achk!) .....I have to figure out how to just get to know people as people......without creating all the sexual (or otherwise) tension in the meantime
....sometimes it's just so FUN though :( -- esp when you know it's mutual ;)
******************************************************************
(After every space, i Keep turning my engine over, thinking I'm about to change the pace and get into something a little more uplifting......I think my motor's flooded......stalling......)
(shuffle has skipped over to some really bad techno christmas remixes)
I'm really excited to be getting my grandparents' old moped fixed up ..... my idea for a "alternative" bday/xmas present....tired of being bought all the usual crap....I have to figure out how to rebuild an existence that isn't so deeply based upon material possessions.
Any suggestions?
Shall I ramble on....?
My trip to St. Augustine (i really wanted to wait til I get the pictures developed to do some nifty pasting them into this thing!) was very "theraputic" if nothing else - it was alot though! lol - revisiting old memories, places, positions.....of camera shots ......conversations.....Apparently there were alot more things going on during spring break with my friends from Melbourne that I was totally oblivious to being preoccupied with a newly developed "interest" - to be totally vague - ugh. Sorry guys.
The drum store was closed, I was very tempted to go back ....after two years exactly....and buy that djembe (ok, honestly i had to spend five extra min on this freakin dialup tryin to remember how to spell that) that I had wanted to buy.
Probably the best breakfast I've ever had as well....all around....service....everything.....someone really knows how to make an egg OVEREASY lol--- perfectly mixable with the grits :P - I constantly have to berate myself for forgetting that Jon is the one person that knows me better than any other.......and now he's in NJ - swell......well, gotta work on catchin everyone else up, eh?
**********************************************************************
(Damn...I' really don't want to end on this slutty of a note lol - so i think i'll just copy/paste this paragraph up earlier .....just pretend it never ended this way! lol)
**********************************************************************
argghhh - my mind is blank- i keep trying to move on to productive, motivating thoughts.....but nothing's comin........maybe i just have to come to terms with the fact that i'm the type'a person that will always need time to mope, and there's no gettin me out of it......geez, i sure hope not.
:P = i'll get back to writing when i have something a little more interesting to write about
.....but that's just it.....the things you want for everyone else to do are precisely what you want for yourself to be, the things you want yourself to summon of the courage to be different like you know you can be, different than everyone else......you want to show them that they can be different, that they can be more, through your own actions.....not the other way around.........so why are you always on your knees, silently pleading them to change?
Coming home has only shown me that my personal problems are much worse and more deeply entrenched than I like to go on thinking.
There are so many things.....I could make a little of all the simple little things that I want to do, the simple little things I want to tell people around me, those I care about - honestry, truths about myself, so that they may know me better.....before they are all gone.....there is a massive list of these things, that can all be answered with a simple ....."JUST DO IT" .....but is it really that simple?
For those that think that I am so overly-complicated and analytical, never allowing for an explanation of less than 100 words, never permitting myself to a simple "yes" or "no" - I want to show them that they are wrong.....at least partly.......I accept that there are many simple, one-word explanations for things in life.....simple answers to things.....and perhaps it is these things that I fear the most. The face-value, committed, rip-your-heart-out facts. And over-subjectifying everything won't always get you everywhere......or nowhere.
I know I can do these things.
I know I want to do these things.
I know what I can be.
What does that make me now?
I tried to "theorize" that I'm the type of person that doesn't know where to put things ("The Great Thanksgiving Dillemma" - a walk in the woods) -- coming out of the woods, realizing that the most organized, OCD people may very well be the worst at knowing where to put all the INTERNAL things......where to put my interests, motivations, loves, desires for everything.
Ironically, the majority of your theories, that are meant to provide some order and understanding to your mixed up world, are the very best at showing how mixed up and disorderly you are inside.
Well, I mean it's not like I would suddenly drop dead if I were to commit myself to stating only the cold, hard, honest facts for a full day....
Though I've forced myself to drink half of the personal/travel bottle of this Tropicana "Light'n Healthy, 1/2 less sugar and calories apple juice that my mom has apparently been buying, it really tastes like crap.
....as does the fat free milk, that tastes watered down and fails to leave milk moustaches.
If you only have minor qualms about the essence of your life, DeFuniak will confirm beyond all reasonable doubt that your life is truly meaningless :) (all in good fun, all in good fun!)
I don't know how to talk to my parents.
Hell, I don't know how to talk - period. I type the best.
(and even then , I seem to make no sense to most)
I hate these periods of time where I actually can't do much but wait things out.....I've spent the majority of my life waiting things out.....WHY do I suddenly feel it's so awful when I'm obligated to do it! lol
(damn myspace won't search for "what i'm listening to" - hmph - Anyway, it's "Crawling Towards the Sun" The Hush Sound - Fueled By Ramen Sampler - thanks jordan!)
I just got back from another walk in the woods.....even went to the trouble to get my dad's waders (waterproof boots/overalls) down from the attic....to walk through the swamp.....been meanin to do that for awhile.....I came back with nothing....except a few bad pictures......I wanted to go to the lakeyard earlier to take pictures.....but I'd be afraid there were no good ones, stuff I'd seen over and over for the past 20 years and that I may run into people I knew from the past that I would "paranoidically" imagine them thinking "oh look there's that gay kid, didn't you hear the gossip, think that kid is gay, what a shame" as they muster up a "hi, how is college treatin ya" ....... then I thought about going to see RENT.....eh, but not alone......
I want someone to hold onto....
even if it's some stinky perfumed relative, my wet dog just crawled out from the swamp, or a friend I barely know.
**********************************************************************
wow.....ok, so yeah - i have a serious problem with "getting to know" people - with girls.....it's practically nonexistent......with straight guys...it's outright paranoia/fear that they'll they I'm coming on to them.....and with gay guys....it's outright my own fear that I AM coming on to them......the attraction always clogs things up......or speeds things up (achk!) .....I have to figure out how to just get to know people as people......without creating all the sexual (or otherwise) tension in the meantime
....sometimes it's just so FUN though :( -- esp when you know it's mutual ;)
******************************************************************
(After every space, i Keep turning my engine over, thinking I'm about to change the pace and get into something a little more uplifting......I think my motor's flooded......stalling......)
(shuffle has skipped over to some really bad techno christmas remixes)
I'm really excited to be getting my grandparents' old moped fixed up ..... my idea for a "alternative" bday/xmas present....tired of being bought all the usual crap....I have to figure out how to rebuild an existence that isn't so deeply based upon material possessions.
Any suggestions?
Shall I ramble on....?
My trip to St. Augustine (i really wanted to wait til I get the pictures developed to do some nifty pasting them into this thing!) was very "theraputic" if nothing else - it was alot though! lol - revisiting old memories, places, positions.....of camera shots ......conversations.....Apparently there were alot more things going on during spring break with my friends from Melbourne that I was totally oblivious to being preoccupied with a newly developed "interest" - to be totally vague - ugh. Sorry guys.
The drum store was closed, I was very tempted to go back ....after two years exactly....and buy that djembe (ok, honestly i had to spend five extra min on this freakin dialup tryin to remember how to spell that) that I had wanted to buy.
Probably the best breakfast I've ever had as well....all around....service....everything.....someone really knows how to make an egg OVEREASY lol--- perfectly mixable with the grits :P - I constantly have to berate myself for forgetting that Jon is the one person that knows me better than any other.......and now he's in NJ - swell......well, gotta work on catchin everyone else up, eh?
**********************************************************************
(Damn...I' really don't want to end on this slutty of a note lol - so i think i'll just copy/paste this paragraph up earlier .....just pretend it never ended this way! lol)
**********************************************************************
argghhh - my mind is blank- i keep trying to move on to productive, motivating thoughts.....but nothing's comin........maybe i just have to come to terms with the fact that i'm the type'a person that will always need time to mope, and there's no gettin me out of it......geez, i sure hope not.
:P = i'll get back to writing when i have something a little more interesting to write about
Sunday, November 20, 2005
HIGH to LOW
.wait a minute... Strike that, reverse it....
Never thought i could swing from one end to the other in such a short amount of time..woah, wahtar eyou talkin about - this is matt here - crazy, moody, uninterpretible ol' matt - of course he's gonna swing every which way he can!
Anyway, so basically spend the entire day Saturday (yesterday) getting ready for the black party, I know everyone says I make a bigger deal out of things than I need to, alas- the show must go on-- Stop by the mall, have a semi-productive little chat with 'berto - things seem ok - then head to Hot Topic at Gov.Sq. after realizing that my online order i placed two days prior had been put on hold for a "random credit card fraud check" so that i had to call in before they would ship it - canceled that shit-- then, headed to Patrick's to help him stuff safe sex kits (2oo!) condoms in little baggies, lube in little baggies, then staple gala and goth flyers to it all -- halfway through that, patrick gets a call and when my name is mentioned (on speakerphone) it's "matt who?" ("matt jeselnik") "wait, roberto's ex?" ("yeah") "oohhhhh, you better watch out for him, he'll be bitin you or somethin" -- yeah, not word for word, but that's the gist of it --- so great, i'm going to a club where i will only be known as in relation to someone else - wtf, man, wtf - so anyway - then i run to Quizno's with Jordan and Mike, where i totally make all conversation awkward, when trying to talk to mike - still workin out how some sort of understanding between us can be reached - i want it , i do -- so leave that awkwardly - go pick up hamilton - head back to patricks - get dressed (wahh! no one wants to help me with my makeup) hectic everyone runniing around there - then rush to Family Tree to meet everyone (enter Topher) - and awkwardly attempt to put on a little makeup as everyone else goth's out - i give up and just stick with a little subtle eyeliner -- we get everyone together for a photo op - and then head out -- get to brothers and, whaddaya know, we get to cut in front of a line of like 80 people - yay - club is already packed, and lit way too dark - can't see anyone's face - hand out the condoms as quick as I can - grab a drink - and wander around -- michael shows up (swear, he looks bigger every day) and we chat a little, talk to blaise, jason a little bit, bobby - then ....... he's there......
suffice it to say, things arose within me that i thought i was over/resolved - and through a whirlwind of crashin, findin hamilton, gettin outta that place and getting to carl's - --- yeah i -- i dunno - blasted tears hit the floorboards of my car and i waded through feelings of guilt and things i had given up on and not given a chance - everything that i had turned my back on due to "minor misunderstanding" all right in front of my face -- THUS,
carls' was a bad time - shouldn't ahve gone - jjust wanted to see jordan (braidwood!), mike, brooke, leo if they were going to show up - jordan didn't - i had a drink, wandered around and started to get sick from it, got really tired - hamilton was bored....tired ( i think) - so after friends got there and i said hey, we headed to the car.......just played my music, and tried to keep from gettin sick from the car ride - parked.....hit the bed, woke up at 10 , realized my fucking car was towed, and proceed to get my car back.......
get back online, chat with Toph' for a bit - then head to Harry's to meet him for lunch in the horrible, muddy weather (potential for puddle jumping??) -- that goes much better than my nervous self (new people, folks) thought it would be - we go to the mall and walk around for a bit - then go see Chicken Little - .....honestly? thought it would be better.........ha - the movie, not the hangin out - it was all really fun, good escape from what i had been up to for the past while - despite all the rain
headed to all saints, got some tea to go (the place was packed!), and came to Strozier to play online til I could figure out when Hamilton would be home.......
so yeah here we are.....
still no clue about any direction/determination.......for much ........ eh
to do this week: READ - catch up in latino lit, so much freakin reading - can't wait to get home for the weekend - and hopefully it won't be this wet all week/end.
Never thought i could swing from one end to the other in such a short amount of time..woah, wahtar eyou talkin about - this is matt here - crazy, moody, uninterpretible ol' matt - of course he's gonna swing every which way he can!
Anyway, so basically spend the entire day Saturday (yesterday) getting ready for the black party, I know everyone says I make a bigger deal out of things than I need to, alas- the show must go on-- Stop by the mall, have a semi-productive little chat with 'berto - things seem ok - then head to Hot Topic at Gov.Sq. after realizing that my online order i placed two days prior had been put on hold for a "random credit card fraud check" so that i had to call in before they would ship it - canceled that shit-- then, headed to Patrick's to help him stuff safe sex kits (2oo!) condoms in little baggies, lube in little baggies, then staple gala and goth flyers to it all -- halfway through that, patrick gets a call and when my name is mentioned (on speakerphone) it's "matt who?" ("matt jeselnik") "wait, roberto's ex?" ("yeah") "oohhhhh, you better watch out for him, he'll be bitin you or somethin" -- yeah, not word for word, but that's the gist of it --- so great, i'm going to a club where i will only be known as in relation to someone else - wtf, man, wtf - so anyway - then i run to Quizno's with Jordan and Mike, where i totally make all conversation awkward, when trying to talk to mike - still workin out how some sort of understanding between us can be reached - i want it , i do -- so leave that awkwardly - go pick up hamilton - head back to patricks - get dressed (wahh! no one wants to help me with my makeup) hectic everyone runniing around there - then rush to Family Tree to meet everyone (enter Topher) - and awkwardly attempt to put on a little makeup as everyone else goth's out - i give up and just stick with a little subtle eyeliner -- we get everyone together for a photo op - and then head out -- get to brothers and, whaddaya know, we get to cut in front of a line of like 80 people - yay - club is already packed, and lit way too dark - can't see anyone's face - hand out the condoms as quick as I can - grab a drink - and wander around -- michael shows up (swear, he looks bigger every day) and we chat a little, talk to blaise, jason a little bit, bobby - then ....... he's there......
suffice it to say, things arose within me that i thought i was over/resolved - and through a whirlwind of crashin, findin hamilton, gettin outta that place and getting to carl's - --- yeah i -- i dunno - blasted tears hit the floorboards of my car and i waded through feelings of guilt and things i had given up on and not given a chance - everything that i had turned my back on due to "minor misunderstanding" all right in front of my face -- THUS,
carls' was a bad time - shouldn't ahve gone - jjust wanted to see jordan (braidwood!), mike, brooke, leo if they were going to show up - jordan didn't - i had a drink, wandered around and started to get sick from it, got really tired - hamilton was bored....tired ( i think) - so after friends got there and i said hey, we headed to the car.......just played my music, and tried to keep from gettin sick from the car ride - parked.....hit the bed, woke up at 10 , realized my fucking car was towed, and proceed to get my car back.......
get back online, chat with Toph' for a bit - then head to Harry's to meet him for lunch in the horrible, muddy weather (potential for puddle jumping??) -- that goes much better than my nervous self (new people, folks) thought it would be - we go to the mall and walk around for a bit - then go see Chicken Little - .....honestly? thought it would be better.........ha - the movie, not the hangin out - it was all really fun, good escape from what i had been up to for the past while - despite all the rain
headed to all saints, got some tea to go (the place was packed!), and came to Strozier to play online til I could figure out when Hamilton would be home.......
so yeah here we are.....
still no clue about any direction/determination.......for much ........ eh
to do this week: READ - catch up in latino lit, so much freakin reading - can't wait to get home for the weekend - and hopefully it won't be this wet all week/end.
Friday, November 18, 2005
we're coming to you live....
.....from an actual....attempted .......and, fai--well, i should refrain from being the judge of the outcome of a evening function on the basis that each party comes out of such experiences with various forms of ......thrills.....pleasure.......fulfillment ....of any sort.
This sort was not the sort for me, it would seem.
I'm at what many would consider a party, though small enough to call it a "get together", and I have never been more mis-- WOAH, woah, hold on a minute here, let's not jump to conclusions, after all your readers would hardly appreciate such a brash judgement, since a fair few of them would be includin' those currenlty in my company.
A friend and I have made it clear to ourselves earlier this evening that a majority of the relationships we find ourselves in here are, in a sense, theoretical, based semi-totally on each other's opinions of one another. Let me elaborate. When one person is brought up in conversation, and events, usually controversial and recent, are discussed, it frequently happens that one person will submit any sort of brash judgment upon the person in question. In the spirit of merriment and communal consensus, the various other members would chime in with their often unthoughtout and unchallenged compliance. Therefore in, at times blind, agreement, the group has established an agreed, established opinion of an individual. This said, one may find oneself thinking that a certain extended matrix of our ideas of one another is entirely made up, theorized, or guessed at/assumed in each other's company by what we believe the others think. Do we really know each other at all? *The mafia game plays on.....
No one ever picks me....I wish I could be the killer.
I want the people I care about and want to get to know better to not be the "buffers" or the "chasers" for everyone else, all the acquaintences. I want to 'get real' (at least moreso) about the various relationships in my life. *The very premise of this game is to over-analyze motives for dastardly deeds that are imagined and totally pointless....
Is there such thing as a relationship (ask me to define this term for you one day) that is not based on the need to drink.....to consume....?
I told a very good friend today that I wish they (as well as everyone) could do a better job of surprising me, like just that it's always the usual expected THEM - who they are.....when we aren't a people who is satisfied with the exact state we find ourselves in, are we?....i mean, many of us claim to be always striving for betterment......something 'more'?........then why can't we, even at the risk of pleasantries and non-awkwardness, take more risks - do something crazy - attempt to help someone, or make the general 'thinking' about things more present and excercised simply by throwing the process and the person a curve ball every now and then?
I should also mention that this person did a surprisingly surprising action of simply leaving the conversation at a point when they felt the need to, and it was in this simply action that I was truly surprised. This is NOT to say that turning one's back on something is the ONLY way to do this. It simply must be noted that, lately, many of the events and goings on have been somewhat based on one's need to have the last word....the belief that a conversation *cougharguementcough* should go on and on on the basis that any deliberation can be solved or make things better in some way........
.........
........fuck, guys, i'm tired of this petty whining wordy english major shit - i give up - i'm tired and i actually there may be hope of this shit breakin up and my ride detaching from present company in time to pass on his keys or drive me to my car.........fuck.......i'm sorry......i'm tired.........(is this the only time where things HAVE to be about me?? why?? just cus i'm writing this damn shit?) oh well.....more to come.........in a more pleasant light to be sure.
This sort was not the sort for me, it would seem.
I'm at what many would consider a party, though small enough to call it a "get together", and I have never been more mis-- WOAH, woah, hold on a minute here, let's not jump to conclusions, after all your readers would hardly appreciate such a brash judgement, since a fair few of them would be includin' those currenlty in my company.
A friend and I have made it clear to ourselves earlier this evening that a majority of the relationships we find ourselves in here are, in a sense, theoretical, based semi-totally on each other's opinions of one another. Let me elaborate. When one person is brought up in conversation, and events, usually controversial and recent, are discussed, it frequently happens that one person will submit any sort of brash judgment upon the person in question. In the spirit of merriment and communal consensus, the various other members would chime in with their often unthoughtout and unchallenged compliance. Therefore in, at times blind, agreement, the group has established an agreed, established opinion of an individual. This said, one may find oneself thinking that a certain extended matrix of our ideas of one another is entirely made up, theorized, or guessed at/assumed in each other's company by what we believe the others think. Do we really know each other at all? *The mafia game plays on.....
No one ever picks me....I wish I could be the killer.
I want the people I care about and want to get to know better to not be the "buffers" or the "chasers" for everyone else, all the acquaintences. I want to 'get real' (at least moreso) about the various relationships in my life. *The very premise of this game is to over-analyze motives for dastardly deeds that are imagined and totally pointless....
Is there such thing as a relationship (ask me to define this term for you one day) that is not based on the need to drink.....to consume....?
I told a very good friend today that I wish they (as well as everyone) could do a better job of surprising me, like just that it's always the usual expected THEM - who they are.....when we aren't a people who is satisfied with the exact state we find ourselves in, are we?....i mean, many of us claim to be always striving for betterment......something 'more'?........then why can't we, even at the risk of pleasantries and non-awkwardness, take more risks - do something crazy - attempt to help someone, or make the general 'thinking' about things more present and excercised simply by throwing the process and the person a curve ball every now and then?
I should also mention that this person did a surprisingly surprising action of simply leaving the conversation at a point when they felt the need to, and it was in this simply action that I was truly surprised. This is NOT to say that turning one's back on something is the ONLY way to do this. It simply must be noted that, lately, many of the events and goings on have been somewhat based on one's need to have the last word....the belief that a conversation *cougharguementcough* should go on and on on the basis that any deliberation can be solved or make things better in some way........
.........
........fuck, guys, i'm tired of this petty whining wordy english major shit - i give up - i'm tired and i actually there may be hope of this shit breakin up and my ride detaching from present company in time to pass on his keys or drive me to my car.........fuck.......i'm sorry......i'm tired.........(is this the only time where things HAVE to be about me?? why?? just cus i'm writing this damn shit?) oh well.....more to come.........in a more pleasant light to be sure.
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