HIGH to LOW

.wait a minute... Strike that, reverse it....

Never thought i could swing from one end to the other in such a short amount of time..woah, wahtar eyou talkin about - this is matt here - crazy, moody, uninterpretible ol' matt - of course he's gonna swing every which way he can!

Anyway, so basically spend the entire day Saturday (yesterday) getting ready for the black party, I know everyone says I make a bigger deal out of things than I need to, alas- the show must go on-- Stop by the mall, have a semi-productive little chat with 'berto - things seem ok - then head to Hot Topic at Gov.Sq. after realizing that my online order i placed two days prior had been put on hold for a "random credit card fraud check" so that i had to call in before they would ship it - canceled that shit-- then, headed to Patrick's to help him stuff safe sex kits (2oo!) condoms in little baggies, lube in little baggies, then staple gala and goth flyers to it all -- halfway through that, patrick gets a call and when my name is mentioned (on speakerphone) it's "matt who?" ("matt jeselnik") "wait, roberto's ex?" ("yeah") "oohhhhh, you better watch out for him, he'll be bitin you or somethin" -- yeah, not word for word, but that's the gist of it --- so great, i'm going to a club where i will only be known as in relation to someone else - wtf, man, wtf - so anyway - then i run to Quizno's with Jordan and Mike, where i totally make all conversation awkward, when trying to talk to mike - still workin out how some sort of understanding between us can be reached - i want it , i do -- so leave that awkwardly - go pick up hamilton - head back to patricks - get dressed (wahh! no one wants to help me with my makeup) hectic everyone runniing around there - then rush to Family Tree to meet everyone (enter Topher) - and awkwardly attempt to put on a little makeup as everyone else goth's out - i give up and just stick with a little subtle eyeliner -- we get everyone together for a photo op - and then head out -- get to brothers and, whaddaya know, we get to cut in front of a line of like 80 people - yay - club is already packed, and lit way too dark - can't see anyone's face - hand out the condoms as quick as I can - grab a drink - and wander around -- michael shows up (swear, he looks bigger every day) and we chat a little, talk to blaise, jason a little bit, bobby - then ....... he's there......

suffice it to say, things arose within me that i thought i was over/resolved - and through a whirlwind of crashin, findin hamilton, gettin outta that place and getting to carl's - --- yeah i -- i dunno - blasted tears hit the floorboards of my car and i waded through feelings of guilt and things i had given up on and not given a chance - everything that i had turned my back on due to "minor misunderstanding" all right in front of my face -- THUS,

carls' was a bad time - shouldn't ahve gone - jjust wanted to see jordan (braidwood!), mike, brooke, leo if they were going to show up - jordan didn't - i had a drink, wandered around and started to get sick from it, got really tired - hamilton was bored....tired ( i think) - so after friends got there and i said hey, we headed to the car.......just played my music, and tried to keep from gettin sick from the car ride - parked.....hit the bed, woke up at 10 , realized my fucking car was towed, and proceed to get my car back.......

get back online, chat with Toph' for a bit - then head to Harry's to meet him for lunch in the horrible, muddy weather (potential for puddle jumping??) -- that goes much better than my nervous self (new people, folks) thought it would be - we go to the mall and walk around for a bit - then go see Chicken Little - .....honestly? thought it would be better.........ha - the movie, not the hangin out - it was all really fun, good escape from what i had been up to for the past while - despite all the rain

headed to all saints, got some tea to go (the place was packed!), and came to Strozier to play online til I could figure out when Hamilton would be home.......
so yeah here we are.....
still no clue about any direction/determination.......for much ........ eh

to do this week: READ - catch up in latino lit, so much freakin reading - can't wait to get home for the weekend - and hopefully it won't be this wet all week/end.