Why is it that I seem to feel like I'm constatly on my knees begging those around me to spring from the malaise and mundacity of everday routine existence to be something more for me....to surprise me....to be my catalyst.....to be my mentor....to show me that the things I want to be are possible......
.....but that's just it.....the things you want for everyone else to do are precisely what you want for yourself to be, the things you want yourself to summon of the courage to be different like you know you can be, different than everyone else......you want to show them that they can be different, that they can be more, through your own actions.....not the other way around.........so why are you always on your knees, silently pleading them to change?
Coming home has only shown me that my personal problems are much worse and more deeply entrenched than I like to go on thinking.
There are so many things.....I could make a little of all the simple little things that I want to do, the simple little things I want to tell people around me, those I care about - honestry, truths about myself, so that they may know me better.....before they are all gone.....there is a massive list of these things, that can all be answered with a simple ....."JUST DO IT" .....but is it really that simple?
For those that think that I am so overly-complicated and analytical, never allowing for an explanation of less than 100 words, never permitting myself to a simple "yes" or "no" - I want to show them that they are wrong.....at least partly.......I accept that there are many simple, one-word explanations for things in life.....simple answers to things.....and perhaps it is these things that I fear the most. The face-value, committed, rip-your-heart-out facts. And over-subjectifying everything won't always get you everywhere......or nowhere.
I know I can do these things.
I know I want to do these things.
I know what I can be.
What does that make me now?
I tried to "theorize" that I'm the type of person that doesn't know where to put things ("The Great Thanksgiving Dillemma" - a walk in the woods) -- coming out of the woods, realizing that the most organized, OCD people may very well be the worst at knowing where to put all the INTERNAL things......where to put my interests, motivations, loves, desires for everything.
Ironically, the majority of your theories, that are meant to provide some order and understanding to your mixed up world, are the very best at showing how mixed up and disorderly you are inside.
Well, I mean it's not like I would suddenly drop dead if I were to commit myself to stating only the cold, hard, honest facts for a full day....
Though I've forced myself to drink half of the personal/travel bottle of this Tropicana "Light'n Healthy, 1/2 less sugar and calories apple juice that my mom has apparently been buying, it really tastes like crap.
....as does the fat free milk, that tastes watered down and fails to leave milk moustaches.
If you only have minor qualms about the essence of your life, DeFuniak will confirm beyond all reasonable doubt that your life is truly meaningless :) (all in good fun, all in good fun!)
I don't know how to talk to my parents.
Hell, I don't know how to talk - period. I type the best.
(and even then , I seem to make no sense to most)
I hate these periods of time where I actually can't do much but wait things out.....I've spent the majority of my life waiting things out.....WHY do I suddenly feel it's so awful when I'm obligated to do it! lol
(damn myspace won't search for "what i'm listening to" - hmph - Anyway, it's "Crawling Towards the Sun" The Hush Sound - Fueled By Ramen Sampler - thanks jordan!)
I just got back from another walk in the woods.....even went to the trouble to get my dad's waders (waterproof boots/overalls) down from the attic....to walk through the swamp.....been meanin to do that for awhile.....I came back with nothing....except a few bad pictures......I wanted to go to the lakeyard earlier to take pictures.....but I'd be afraid there were no good ones, stuff I'd seen over and over for the past 20 years and that I may run into people I knew from the past that I would "paranoidically" imagine them thinking "oh look there's that gay kid, didn't you hear the gossip, think that kid is gay, what a shame" as they muster up a "hi, how is college treatin ya" ....... then I thought about going to see RENT.....eh, but not alone......
I want someone to hold onto....
even if it's some stinky perfumed relative, my wet dog just crawled out from the swamp, or a friend I barely know.
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wow.....ok, so yeah - i have a serious problem with "getting to know" people - with girls.....it's practically nonexistent......with straight guys...it's outright paranoia/fear that they'll they I'm coming on to them.....and with gay guys....it's outright my own fear that I AM coming on to them......the attraction always clogs things up......or speeds things up (achk!) .....I have to figure out how to just get to know people as people......without creating all the sexual (or otherwise) tension in the meantime
....sometimes it's just so FUN though :( -- esp when you know it's mutual ;)
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(After every space, i Keep turning my engine over, thinking I'm about to change the pace and get into something a little more uplifting......I think my motor's flooded......stalling......)
(shuffle has skipped over to some really bad techno christmas remixes)
I'm really excited to be getting my grandparents' old moped fixed up ..... my idea for a "alternative" bday/xmas present....tired of being bought all the usual crap....I have to figure out how to rebuild an existence that isn't so deeply based upon material possessions.
Any suggestions?
Shall I ramble on....?
My trip to St. Augustine (i really wanted to wait til I get the pictures developed to do some nifty pasting them into this thing!) was very "theraputic" if nothing else - it was alot though! lol - revisiting old memories, places, positions.....of camera shots ......conversations.....Apparently there were alot more things going on during spring break with my friends from Melbourne that I was totally oblivious to being preoccupied with a newly developed "interest" - to be totally vague - ugh. Sorry guys.
The drum store was closed, I was very tempted to go back ....after two years exactly....and buy that djembe (ok, honestly i had to spend five extra min on this freakin dialup tryin to remember how to spell that) that I had wanted to buy.
Probably the best breakfast I've ever had as well....all around....service....everything.....someone really knows how to make an egg OVEREASY lol--- perfectly mixable with the grits :P - I constantly have to berate myself for forgetting that Jon is the one person that knows me better than any other.......and now he's in NJ - swell......well, gotta work on catchin everyone else up, eh?
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(Damn...I' really don't want to end on this slutty of a note lol - so i think i'll just copy/paste this paragraph up earlier .....just pretend it never ended this way! lol)
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argghhh - my mind is blank- i keep trying to move on to productive, motivating thoughts.....but nothing's comin........maybe i just have to come to terms with the fact that i'm the type'a person that will always need time to mope, and there's no gettin me out of it......geez, i sure hope not.
:P = i'll get back to writing when i have something a little more interesting to write about
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