.....from an actual....attempted .......and, fai--well, i should refrain from being the judge of the outcome of a evening function on the basis that each party comes out of such experiences with various forms of ......thrills.....pleasure.......fulfillment ....of any sort.
This sort was not the sort for me, it would seem.
I'm at what many would consider a party, though small enough to call it a "get together", and I have never been more mis-- WOAH, woah, hold on a minute here, let's not jump to conclusions, after all your readers would hardly appreciate such a brash judgement, since a fair few of them would be includin' those currenlty in my company.
A friend and I have made it clear to ourselves earlier this evening that a majority of the relationships we find ourselves in here are, in a sense, theoretical, based semi-totally on each other's opinions of one another. Let me elaborate. When one person is brought up in conversation, and events, usually controversial and recent, are discussed, it frequently happens that one person will submit any sort of brash judgment upon the person in question. In the spirit of merriment and communal consensus, the various other members would chime in with their often unthoughtout and unchallenged compliance. Therefore in, at times blind, agreement, the group has established an agreed, established opinion of an individual. This said, one may find oneself thinking that a certain extended matrix of our ideas of one another is entirely made up, theorized, or guessed at/assumed in each other's company by what we believe the others think. Do we really know each other at all? *The mafia game plays on.....
No one ever picks me....I wish I could be the killer.
I want the people I care about and want to get to know better to not be the "buffers" or the "chasers" for everyone else, all the acquaintences. I want to 'get real' (at least moreso) about the various relationships in my life. *The very premise of this game is to over-analyze motives for dastardly deeds that are imagined and totally pointless....
Is there such thing as a relationship (ask me to define this term for you one day) that is not based on the need to drink.....to consume....?
I told a very good friend today that I wish they (as well as everyone) could do a better job of surprising me, like just that it's always the usual expected THEM - who they are.....when we aren't a people who is satisfied with the exact state we find ourselves in, are we?....i mean, many of us claim to be always striving for betterment......something 'more'?........then why can't we, even at the risk of pleasantries and non-awkwardness, take more risks - do something crazy - attempt to help someone, or make the general 'thinking' about things more present and excercised simply by throwing the process and the person a curve ball every now and then?
I should also mention that this person did a surprisingly surprising action of simply leaving the conversation at a point when they felt the need to, and it was in this simply action that I was truly surprised. This is NOT to say that turning one's back on something is the ONLY way to do this. It simply must be noted that, lately, many of the events and goings on have been somewhat based on one's need to have the last word....the belief that a conversation *cougharguementcough* should go on and on on the basis that any deliberation can be solved or make things better in some way........
.........
........fuck, guys, i'm tired of this petty whining wordy english major shit - i give up - i'm tired and i actually there may be hope of this shit breakin up and my ride detaching from present company in time to pass on his keys or drive me to my car.........fuck.......i'm sorry......i'm tired.........(is this the only time where things HAVE to be about me?? why?? just cus i'm writing this damn shit?) oh well.....more to come.........in a more pleasant light to be sure.
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
