I fell like I've been abusing, or rather wasting away the fact that I have a perfectly clever and accessible blog/arena in which to express my thoughts/meanderings upon my notion that certain subject are not valid for psuedo-public display. Thus, finally straying from this notion, I would like to finish what was foolishly begun...
Their moon was cardboard, fragile; it was very apt to fray
And what was last night scenic may seem cynic by today
The play’s not done. Oh no – not quite,
For life never ends in the moonlit night;
And despite what pretty poets say,
The night is only half the day.
So we would like to finish what was foolishly begun.
For the story is not ended and the play is never done
Until we’ve all of us been burned a bit
And burnished by the sun.
- "This Plum is Too Ripe," from The Fantasticks
An until this time, unpublished draft:
"IF THEY NEVER DID....":
Fear lulls our minds to sleep.
Fear runs this main character... it makes the animal more fight/flight, it makes the performer never have auditioned at all, it makes the scientist paranoid and
How do you remove fear? THat is the journey of our main character.
Maybe realizing there's something bigger than you - that' you're not the THE main character.
he's reaching out. he's reaching out and he's a coward. he's a coward and he's frozen in fear, relieved to have no made the decision, hating himself for hating everything... hate.. fear... fear creates it. that hate. what are we so afraid of - being hurt
i'm allowed private moments of madness...just as long as I don't stay in that madness.
“Use your talent to save him. Hurt him. Hurt him to save him. There is no other way. The show must go on, Satine. We’re creatures of the underworld. We can’t afford to love.”
I can't afford to quote my life away. I have to write my own story.
We met at Ty's. It was planned, we had been talking on the phone, rather infrequently for a few weeks; I had just returned from my family summer vacation--beach house at Grayton.
<<<<<
in the days of writing this - a hotel stay for LOST was lost upon my efforts - and jonathan and I pondered a story idea he had been working on:
(to get the story out, to encapsulate it, to get the story there, down on paper, so it's not in here"
slice through that cheesiness with a very very sharp, hot knife
Jonathan's story: Rainbow Springs: America's Only Gay Seaside Trailer Park
the drag queen, Delta Dawn (DeeDee for short) , is murdered early on, but then reappears as a ghostly fairy godmother to guide the "perpetually single guy" - haunts the newly arrived "single kid" - and her haunting of him is on the surface "solve my murder mystery" but the subtext is "find yourself" which ultimately ingratiates himself into the community, he finds his place
PSG - reason he's there: forced into it?
all the little lanes are named after dead gay icons.
>>>>>
(So the facts may not all be there or quite right, but i'll do my best)
We met at Ty's. He called while I was exceeding at my usual role of wallflower in the back. I came out the door and saw him there standing in the street with two friends. I did my usual giddy glance to the side, unable to look him in the eye the first moment and walked up. Shook hands (or did we hug?). Met the friends. We parted from them, back inside and he bought me a jack/gingerale. I finished up and we blew the joint. I had parked somewhere on Greenwich st, one of my few times actually driving in to go out, don't remember why - maybe to get there fast? So we walked around looking for my car which quickly turned into exploring the village. The maternity wear, the giant wooden fish in Ralph Lauren, the gorgeous-dark succulent plant shop, magnolia, the indian/tibetan store...the bench. In afterthought i could say I was drunk and more....but it still felt like the best thing. But then again, meeting someone and clicking right off the bat usually does. I offered to drive him home, I had sorta sobered up and we drove all the way up westside to 181st. Playin the ipod on shuffle produced great songs that'd become our own personal soundtrack. He showed me Cabrini with attempting to park five feet away from a hydrant and Chittenden with the overlook and fog enshrouded GWB. Escapades further concluded the night; I drove home enamored.
That was 6/8/2007. Today is Friday, February 1st. Between now and then has been 237 days of giving up defenses, crystal escapades, the space--whole chapters of yummy goodness that spoke only 'forever' and 'together'. Not to mention a whole menagerie of time dragons, brass estate cats, frightened turtle heads, and polar bear expeditions. Soggy shrimp dishes in the park we wanted to live overlooking, july 4th and point pleasant, mahopac and cold spring antiquing the day away--we let each other in fast and eagerly. We parasailed over an ocean we thought big enough to hold an entire workable future. In August, my mother came to visit, and along with Jordan and some other ancillary characters, they all ate him up. I couldn't have survived my planned lunch at the Boathouse in the park without the cocktail-but all in all, mom spoke-realized that she felt comforted I had someone to keep an eye on me up here- I did too.
Gradually though, and mostly through encounters with each others' friends, the promise began to waver. November has always been my month of doubt. But this was not before the camping trip, fall leaves above hammock, feeling home-comforted in the woods. We were always okay together alone. It would be our immersion in our own separate worlds that began the downward plunge. There were talks and arguments with seeming resolutions and they would resurface. In the most base sense, values held or not held were presupposed to have to match up and ultimately be the same. In his eyes, there's no place for a person in a relationship to be going out to "single's bars", that it would be disrespectful; and I thought I could grow to believe this. I tried to explain to myself and my way out of it that I needed to go out to be with my friends. It went on and on. The pressure could no longer be negotiated out of the equation.
Conversations with friends validated ideas that i wasn't always wrong about it, that I had to continue to change for someone else's path before I had even begun to create my own. I thought to myself:
what's making this fail is not the fact that we have too little in common - but over time we've developed a mutual fear that our differences will make us not work --- and it's THIS fear that's making it fall apart. it's making communication break down and everything fall apart.
i don't think i've chosen my friends over you. i think i've balanced it quite well. my time between
the decisions on what u do with that anger is the problem here. hasty decision he's made
actually kinda childish.
after anger passes, if he's still doesn't see a desire to be with me, he doesn't deserve me.
you're jealous that you're not the only thing in my life.
ike your plate gets full (strike, training, mom) and then you basically say to me "matt i don't have the energy to ask you waht you're thinking all the time, so i'm shutting down." -- ... >>
i feel like i've made some choice in your eyes - and that i've done something wrong - and its unacceptable to you - and you just take it for awhile ... and then it becomes even worse so it becomes essentially the break point for you - adn you can back up your case with the fact that its been going on and i haven't been perceptive of it or done anything to change.
I'm sorry i lied to you. it's because I'm afraid. we've both been afraid too long. what's making this fail is not the fact that we have too little in common - but over time we've developed a mutual fear that our differences will make us not work --- and it's THIS fear that's making it fall apart. it's making communication break down and everything fall apart.
i feel like the consequence you have given me does not match the crime. i know you're angry, i know i did wrong. as soon as u are at a point where u and i can talk and not be upset, i would like to talk. i would like to be with you. I'm sorry. i know the decisions now are up to you. and i want you to do whatever you feel is best for you. i'm here for you.
and i think the hardest thing to realize is that
i wouldn't have had the courage to face/confess my distractions/doubts if it had gone on.
but then a classic case of you don't know what you have til you lose it - i would've wanted to make it work - whatever the cost.
is love truly love without a little pain and heartbreak? i think not.
i wish you could have known a fearless me. (...but then maybe I would have never chosen a fearful you.)
I loved him. I don't stop loving people, but sometimes I'm forced to say goodbye. All random thoughts I've had and should have spoken, or spoken more clearly. Ultimately I've come out of it, disposed mementos in hand, a little worse for wear, but realizing a great deal. Not only my usual easiness-to-become enamored in someone, but also solidifying a good deal of beliefs in how a relationship would work for me. I he was here I certainly wouldn't have a clue what to say; if that says I'm not over it, then so be it. But I'm like charlie who wound the pocket-watch one too many times, I can never go back. Goodbye.
