..but what if there were only one game?
i had gotten tired of looking in the usual places. i knew now that it was something different that i was out for. it was the end result of the recipe that was my timiditiy and the gaping holes i felt within that i knew only a bigger man could fill.
"they say he wandered very far, very far, over land and sea"
what if you found someone that wasn't seeking continuous conquest, but seeking you. or seeking what you could become. and what you could make them become.
I've spent the entire day thinking about your note....
and yet i must say straightaway ...
you would do me wrong Heir Steifel to read into my refusal any lack of affection, on the contrary, ...
should you like, i am ready to..
and also that too rigorous a condemnation of your current misfortune could have the gravest possible effect....
still, heir stiefel, one thing in your letter disturbed me, your, what shall we call it--veiled threat--that should escape not be possible, you would take your own life.
you swirl around in this milieu> trying to wrap your mind around it all and grasp some formula to make sense of it all - 'skinny guys desirable when young, but become undesireable when old.... thick guys undesireable when young, but desireable when old" ... it's totally crazy you know......then why....
what about the ego? the idea being: to successfully impress someone...and not bring someone down in your attempts to converse with them. to do this you have to be in a reasonably decent mood. and what if the only way to put you in a reasonably decent mood is to have someone show interest in you, thereby raising your ego somewhat. at that point you have the energy to push forward with more upbeat "courting". thereby impressing or either raising the ego of the other.
((Not one conquest, but continuous conquest, from one victory to another, for it was the conquest alone that was important and never the prize.))
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Monday, March 26, 2007
something just for you
One moment he was exhaustible, drinking in the world around him as if it were so much water placed there for the sole purpose of quenching his thirst, and the next moment he was a child, closing his eyes, the wide smile still on his face, ready to sleep, to sleep and build energy for the next ecstasy that he was sure was in store for him. His feelings ruled him completely; he was savage and undisciplined. The contrast between Matthew and himself at the same age appalled him. He had been restrained, quiet, and disciplined; compared to him, Matthew was a kind of angel-devil on a perpetual emotional drunk.
From Finistère, Fritz Peters
From Finistère, Fritz Peters
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Sticky 3/25
what is life without conviction - what is any action at all without belief in it
i have to get out of this dump > i never feel good when in dirty unorganized surroundings >
i have to get out of this dump > i never feel good when in dirty unorganized surroundings >
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Sticky 3/21
DREAM: Total TAP
first i'm teaching a class by myself - amerisuites employees, in a small meeting room, moving stuff around, getting ready, music, peek outside, some corp higher ups meeting outside, keep the door closed....people trickle in and i think about the plan for the day.... at some point morphs into a larger classroom/group, jennifer comes in and "helps"/takes over... bri and other old friends in class now... younger... wonder if she's gonna show them my video.... i come up to demonstrate with jennifer a few beginning steps... across the floor action.... a very busy dream
first i'm teaching a class by myself - amerisuites employees, in a small meeting room, moving stuff around, getting ready, music, peek outside, some corp higher ups meeting outside, keep the door closed....people trickle in and i think about the plan for the day.... at some point morphs into a larger classroom/group, jennifer comes in and "helps"/takes over... bri and other old friends in class now... younger... wonder if she's gonna show them my video.... i come up to demonstrate with jennifer a few beginning steps... across the floor action.... a very busy dream
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Sticky 3/18
ejac llllll
i'm easily smitten - with you - write an interesting blog, throw up some artzy pics, graphic design, a few similar obsessions and you got me with those deep set scrappy dogs eye -
morbid morbid morbid imagination - what is that about?
i'm easily smitten - with you - write an interesting blog, throw up some artzy pics, graphic design, a few similar obsessions and you got me with those deep set scrappy dogs eye -
morbid morbid morbid imagination - what is that about?
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Sticky 3/17
rough hewn carpet base"boars" . waiting around - browing the ranks - "masc seek same", "lookin for ramonace" the one? " blah, blah, blah - I remember a moment in Shawshank Redemption when they spoke of a person that didn't exist _ existing on ly on paper... untraceable, able to store away endlesss laundered money in variou sbank accounts, etc. why do i feel like that. like a person that only exists online - in this new world, in this new place....outside of my job, i exist to no one. (well, for the most part). what temporatal vanity space would suck closetd and fucke up some sp/time continum ? butterfly effect. (wonderful life character) you don't knont to know see? - it would never be as storong an impulse to make a decent movie plot....we'll just trudge along - don't get too upset - you can't think about tbhese things too much for if you did, you know it would only feeel worse and you would beat yourself up more and more -- anyways, where was I? > i lkinda enjoy this strange feeling of not knowing whwat tiem or day it was ...is. From falling asleeepin in a nap and then waking freaking that a whole day had passed and totally unsure if you were late for something or not. pity the child. bear3`` has had it's fill of me apparently. fuckin a. lost again. i needa metaphor for muse association llock-in ness. a process tha t will get tme to the place i need to be mentally to write . write something real, not all this blathering crap.
holding hands stogether in front of you as if praying, and pushing noose into a little space cupped between two hands, attempting to figure out a familiar smell - is it only the smell of your own self? the use of a diffferent body wash/shampoo.... hyatt place lotion. a man of straw. mea culpa. mea culpa.
finding an old decripit machine in the jungle, half in pieces and overgrown with foliage. we ultimately get it working with out really knowing wat it does. comes to life> a weapon ? --- an old backstory come to life.
in the tower> endless little machines that massage various parts of the still living spy. little spiders. head massager. getting his juices flowing. to write? -> to they all write? k
HOW TO ENHABIT A BODY LARGER THAN YOUR OWN
(not the title of a self-help book!)
blue - tower
red - theater
yellow (green?) - jungle
each with an insignia > that together forms a tattoo of some sort? no?
each need a fleshed out identity
avatars
goals/aims
BACKSTORY
read
The Human Zoo
Psychology of Personality
holding hands stogether in front of you as if praying, and pushing noose into a little space cupped between two hands, attempting to figure out a familiar smell - is it only the smell of your own self? the use of a diffferent body wash/shampoo.... hyatt place lotion. a man of straw. mea culpa. mea culpa.
finding an old decripit machine in the jungle, half in pieces and overgrown with foliage. we ultimately get it working with out really knowing wat it does. comes to life> a weapon ? --- an old backstory come to life.
in the tower> endless little machines that massage various parts of the still living spy. little spiders. head massager. getting his juices flowing. to write? -> to they all write? k
HOW TO ENHABIT A BODY LARGER THAN YOUR OWN
(not the title of a self-help book!)
blue - tower
red - theater
yellow (green?) - jungle
each with an insignia > that together forms a tattoo of some sort? no?
each need a fleshed out identity
avatars
goals/aims
BACKSTORY
read
The Human Zoo
Psychology of Personality
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Sticky 3/16
the problem is and IMPUSLE and the THOUGHT of an IMPULSE are so alike in their origin that it's often hard to tell them apart.
snow - and lots of it -- textured air bliss
embossing every surface
to each his own > his own to each > each own to his > his each to own > each his to own
Sex - Roark (psycho) - JUNGLE -
Brain - Simon (minion spy) - TOWER -
Heart - James (lover) - THEATRE - now a female?
first there is one, and then two - and then three and you think you've got it figured out >>> a family of being
but then gradually things split further and further and you soon realize>
you are a product of your own creation
"you can fix yourself"> the iron giant.
but what does it do?
snow - and lots of it -- textured air bliss
embossing every surface
to each his own > his own to each > each own to his > his each to own > each his to own
Sex - Roark (psycho) - JUNGLE -
Brain - Simon (minion spy) - TOWER -
Heart - James (lover) - THEATRE - now a female?
first there is one, and then two - and then three and you think you've got it figured out >>> a family of being
but then gradually things split further and further and you soon realize>
you are a product of your own creation
"you can fix yourself"> the iron giant.
but what does it do?
Sticky 3/14
The house was once beautiful.
Whenever the urge strikes you.
desire overpowers all your potential creativity
maybe why you so pursue the reliquishment of desire?
HOW DO YOU CONNECT
MAKE A CONNECTION >>> ladies and gentlemen we are floating in space >> all i want of life's a little bit of love to take the pain away, gettin strong today, i try and ___ each day >>>
you do this beause why? you don't know anything else to do?
well that's just STUPID
see i'm smiling, that means i'm happy that you're here.
>>>> and suddenly, through continuous exploration:
the blog. where you can flaunt all you are. however you want.
blog ideas:
exploring the city >
naievely inclined
mindless adventure
trifecta (3 psyches commenting on life)
expressions
issues:
data/memory loss (whose goal/whose evil?)
creative projects
conversations never had (those had with which of who and what mirror?)
encapsulating the past
writing the future
transformation
growth
love/creation
pushing the envelope/raising the bar/near-death/risks/morbidity
FEAR
there are somethings that you can never bring yourself to do, and there are some things that your imaginary friends can do for you.
am i the only one that's concerned with changing incorrect perceptions of myself that others may have??
books that you can travel into?
Whenever the urge strikes you.
desire overpowers all your potential creativity
maybe why you so pursue the reliquishment of desire?
HOW DO YOU CONNECT
MAKE A CONNECTION >>> ladies and gentlemen we are floating in space >> all i want of life's a little bit of love to take the pain away, gettin strong today, i try and ___ each day >>>
you do this beause why? you don't know anything else to do?
well that's just STUPID
see i'm smiling, that means i'm happy that you're here.
>>>> and suddenly, through continuous exploration:
the blog. where you can flaunt all you are. however you want.
blog ideas:
exploring the city >
naievely inclined
mindless adventure
trifecta (3 psyches commenting on life)
expressions
issues:
data/memory loss (whose goal/whose evil?)
creative projects
conversations never had (those had with which of who and what mirror?)
encapsulating the past
writing the future
transformation
growth
love/creation
pushing the envelope/raising the bar/near-death/risks/morbidity
FEAR
there are somethings that you can never bring yourself to do, and there are some things that your imaginary friends can do for you.
am i the only one that's concerned with changing incorrect perceptions of myself that others may have??
books that you can travel into?
Sticky 3/12
i dont' have the money > to buy food > to gain energy > to get shit done > to clean this house > or to confront those who don't! > to make myself comfortable at home > to keep the momentum going
amy and sean
and albert and mollie
derek and joey and justin
ken and bobby and michael
and
obsessive > stories > not my own > no courage to employ details >
amy and sean
and albert and mollie
derek and joey and justin
ken and bobby and michael
and
obsessive > stories > not my own > no courage to employ details >
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Sliding Tile Puzzles
upon building yet another nest and negotiating yourself into a set of circumstances in which you, as you've so desired, have set your self up for certain progresses....
have pushes pieces this way and that...
to yield sacrifices forcing negation of huge chucks of life (the red side of the rubik's cube for instance, you know you can't just try to get ONE side all together!)...
how were you raised to never ask for help, how were you raised to be so afraid?
how the HELL were you raised to never demand anything....demand something for yourself?
sa###R IJ #) ()*0
93209000000999((((**
aer#(IJR#)Osa#
*fritzes out for lack of keeping the blogging gears greased*
hiearchies and patience tests
waiting for money to roll in so one thing can be bought to feel better where you're only home , strength, getting better *garlic bread grease smears the keys* *high setting on the fan blows its tinfoil wrapper to the floor*
let's just catch things up a bit ...or try.
>>>>
1/1/07
ifn't all the tineist details would just come back to me when i'm ready to write? how does one speak from experience, create a story, without always attempting to replicate/gossip the truth, the events as they were?
opuses - waves spalsihing on camera - discovery - ski trip - no snow - global warming - what am i doing with myself?
dirty jobs
relax, feel queasy, from two hours of sleep and six hours of over-caffienated driving -
Il sedcondo giorno ??? >>> don't forget the little details u wanted to write about -- savion, the egg, empire state plaza, the noisy teenagers, sean's facial, the heat,
1/9/07
back to the FIT 3archetypes: they are all symbiotic - need each other to exist > the industrious aging father, has got some cybernetic properties to keep him alive (stray from Vader themes please), and his factories release their waste into the forest, which is what causes the various "mutations" in the forest boy.
changes that cause change
1/11/07
leaning more ergonomically for proper posture and back support, though still in pain from lying in bed watching movies and lost on my stomach, the pillow, the square purple pillow with black wormy threads artsily twisting their ways around the thing.... makes me feel like i'm sitting on the edge of a ledge with nothing beneath me that i can see, and everything in my life just out of reach, no way to get anything done or to grasp anything for support
the budget won't let me plan in advance, payments i know when and where they will come
i physically drained hurt , oh that's it - back to that thought
i know i cna't move through myself , i can't get my parts together to move through the sludge and aggrevation . motiviatie - helicopter hovers past filming - afternoon news - mechanics - so i can move through it via someone else - followed by a the remains of bubbles in teh glass, water pouring out and tiny bubbles in it/'s strail popping til all gone --- while i've been so long letting the movies and the stories create me - to MOVE me -- i can create the stories and the paths in my mind, on paper, to MOVE me wherei want to go - (and maybe see where they take me too) - it would take a great deal of practice, perserverance, courage --- Atreyu! Call My Name.
You would write your father and question if you were nothing more than a creation of his scheming mind.
You would write your mother and question if you were nothing more than her maskless offstage over-nurtured child.
You would write your brother and question if you were the Dr. Jekyll to his Hyde, he the inevitable parallel end to your uncertain transformation.
As you create, you become overtaken by your creations losing the ability to descriminate between the creator and the created.
Picking at a peeling feeling cuticle, sometimes i wonder if i am nothing more than a twisted concoction of paper and ink, paper twisted tight into bones, yet still fragile and weak, ink leaking out of voice and sight - a pitiful expression.
What if instead of that which we see in "broad daylight", we consider things only in the most truthful light in darkened corners of dirty alleys?
The long piece of felt between my hands and the keys has melted to them, keeping me from ever playing to my utmost potential - am I totally covered in felt?
a constant state of change and pubescence > awkward fumbling for attemping to get comfortable and self-assured with current form
I want to be a cowboy - live out west. Where things are hearty and people use words like __ and ___ and wolf is a noun and a verb
And i don't have to listen to Aaron Copland to get a feeling of great expanses because they're all around me.
And i can actually literally be lonely
portion are large
there are no gyms but the men are cut just as thick as the most ardent city gym goers
want to know how to care and feed animals, use them for meat, hunt, be closer to and know how to utilize and not waste nature
where there's no point in having a freezer, or internet, or
i could learn to tie a new knot instead of checking my email
i could build a rabbit trap instead of driving to the nearest starbucks
each archetype has their moments of dual momentum with one another -- mother and son> nature's dance, performance, spring, woman, passive, but creating --- father and son> awkward confrontations, pitiful sameness, regret (winter) -- mother and father> envy, lost love, repression, lack of belonging (fall)
1/16/07
Priorities??? ---
Current "regime" : WORK (promotion?/growth), GYM, EATING
Would like to incorporate >
Meeting people/going out
Yoga/Raquetball
TAP lessons
Piano lessons
Budget: Payments (rent, gym, loan), Savings, Mom
Food, Gas, Entertainment
Incorporate/Find lessons??? TIME???
Things to purchase:
IPOD, clothes, SUIT, MIDI software
Camera fixes, car fixes, teeth whitening
Lost, old live-action disney movies, the ones in tins, "make a man out of you" acapella verse, letting Hyde do the driving, wuzzles, werewolves, do it yourself books, vines overgrowning everything, gadgetry, reference section, taking pictures, trying to cook, six feet under, paint by number, fur, lost in space, off likter fantasies, exposed beams, 80s childhood movies, strange secret stashes, oysters rockefeller, grand central, flying deloreans, beards, bulldogs, maps, house plans, garden mazes, tap, new faces seeming familar, the pump,
1/28/07
"July 28th@!!!, It's July 28th - Your birthday!@ It's july 28th, i know it is!"
he stood screaming out over the ledge not really noticing that no one was really there....
"...he's already gone.".....i turned away from the balcony overlooking the courtyard....to a voice that was my own begging me to come in from the cold.
this guy "really isn't a fan" of the snow. u find yourself imagining how you could ever live with someone that doesn't love things like snow as much as you do. how would you ever play in it alone? u imagine , if u were together (u do't even know the guy!) that the snowy field woudl be your place of solitude or your place of outside threat - the one place u could go to be alone - with dark spirits comeing through the snowfall.
u feel powerless when you feel that u can never convince someone that you love them - when they can never seem to believe it - because they think that if you really did you would be doing some secret thing that they wish for in their head that you will never know and never do just right so they believe you don't love them....the way they want to be loved.
2/10/07
Finding myself overly preoccupied with work......is it an attempt to de-focus from the lack of filling i have in my home life - how i can just sit around and wait for the scheduled appointments to happen, my excuse being to avoid becoming late for them by starting up other endeavors --- nothing is happening at home!! in my own private life -- fuck - - i need friends...... i need hobbies --- i need to cook some damn food!
2/13/07 - CheckMate
"what were we talking about again?"
"it seems as though you and i could have a conversation with all the random thoughts flying around in this boy's head, doesn't it?"
"...yeah. it really does." looking around at the stars on the horizon, reflecting off the water
"look you know i was just - i mean we ---we..."
"hey, it's alright, we were both in need of some escape time and just someone to talk to that was outside of the mess of our individual lives, so we did what we had to do, we got out."
....
"do you think--"
"no, don't think about that - the moment you do, you'll probably be brought back. you and i both left to not worry about what was going on there. at least for a little while."
"you're right"
"heh, i know i'm right." he nudges shoulders and clinks his nondescript beer bottle against the other's.
(moments pass)
"but they hired her. she was just an actress."
"yeah, don't you think he could have been able to tell. I mean someone walks into your world. a world that you've lived your whole life in. don't you think you woulda been able to tell if she was an outsider, if, somehow, she just, didn't quite belong there?"
"yeah."
"how does that work."
"what's that?"
"the way, you can live in the biggest, most 'happenin'' city in the world and still you feel totally alone."
"heh. yeah man, i dunno. it defiently does happen."
"how does someone lead people to greatness?"
"not everyone's great man"
"yeah but, how does someone-"
"i'm tellin ya, not everyone's great. - destined for greatness? the leader? the follower? who are we to say, this or that? as for me, I say you gotta break yourself a little, especially if you ain't got nobody around to hold your hand. if you wanna be good at somethin that you have no idea how to do, can't even see yourself (ah therein lies one problem) - doin', something you've only dreamed about being or seen in the movies. how do you know you can do it, how do you know you can be it?"
DREAMS - 3 nights (all obviously rough around the edges by waking up loss of memory)
2/15:
the play
2/16:
syler
2/17:
dinghy boat trip
(*alarmclock*) ...(can't remember if the beach trip was part of it first)...but we were at the frat house (or some derivation of it) ... a big partying day...(locations and people continually morphing) don't really know if i was in a "present" time or a collage of past images i was never actually present for... playing cards....a game i was excitedly just sorta figuring out ...kinda chaotic but iw as okay... it somehow turned into being in the street, spread out, in a culdesac type area outside "the" house...casper or the like leading the game....decided there'd be four teams...and the cards were four solid colors ...so for some reason i t got sorted out where each team was a color ...(other frats?)...something like go-fish? but at the same time a drinking game...then almost immediately we were in our old blue minivan...a small group of us headed to the beach/or to fish...me in the middle left seat, looking back, you behind me (but then not you, apple) because the person in the seat next to me looked back and told you to drink...because u did something (circle of death?), and it was all fun and games, there were at least two others in the back row, and then he/you looked at me (apple or you?) and told me to drink.....not sure which came first the trip to the beach with just my friends morphing into frat thing or wat - but at this point i look to the driver's row, and it's mom/dad - much smaller event...driving thru the woods - but i was concerned about people seeing in the van, seeing us play our game, as if it were almost illegal or something...mom was like yeah, it's a busy day , we're gonna be hitting the crowds soon...(worry?)..we were driving down an old backwoods road (at thsi point i think the caravan had morphed into a group of my own old friends just going to the beach)..i'm leaning up toward the front seat, we turn a corner and it's just water...immediate and BIG water....a bridge...that's no longer there....cut off...fence at the end... the shortcut mom was trying to make didn't work, the whole time i new she was going some weird way that wouldn't work, we would have to turn around.....but we pulled to the edge of the bridge, it went out about 50 yards...a big fence at the end when we first saw it, but there no more...the water was pretty high, almost up to the edge of the road...and then we excitedly saw a little wave coming and everyone cheered, it mounded up....approached gently, and we felt the car gracefully be lifted off the ground just a bit, everyone excited as if they only wanted to get in the water.....(*alarmclock*)
2/27'/07
a ghost house, filled with whispers and shadows of those from your past you've remembered - those you'd be fond to see once again - here and there a twinge of creaking woods or an imagined sound of disturbed dust brings to mind strangely clear a musicbox moment of the momentum and passion behind your strongest moments. this is like a time traveling prism, refracting facets of your self from every great and every not so great moment you've ever had.....you wallow in it.
you're starved for it....since the last time you've been unable to digest any possibility of future accomplshement or present day-seizing, surely the potential and hope lies there, but the actual action-doing never seems to spark...the tinderbox feels wet. But here in this dry old mansion, the slightest friction could spark a wildfire, with all these momentous past emotion filled times -- most nothing at the time of living them, but so much more relevant now in retrospect.
you know the stories and long memorized the lyrics....but all the others, they've sung since their meager beginnings.....they can pipe out the notes from low to high.....nevermind that they know the words to say, they'll make them up as they go along.....would you wish for soemthing the like - thinking to yourself you could do it better.....if you'd only been....taught.
big news - another week goes by in atlanta! ....
scintillating
the never-realized inventor hiding deep in the passages of your over filed mind has some great ideas for a mechanism that would harness the energy of the past to spark of some lively activity for the present.
in watching Great Expectations (ethan hawke), i felt strangely attracted/similar to the whole thing....
there's the tree houses...with bridges that expand/contract because the wind blowing the fragile pines (maybe find a stronger forest?) would need to be mobile.... they would catch the wind, harness it for somethign...
the garden....built for mom.....with the ideas of all its fantastic mechanisms, a mechanical stone chess board powered by water running through it and all the pieces....
"and no it don't make sense, to put her in the cold and lonely ground."
speaking of which, GO SEEE LITTLE MISSS SUNSHINE NOW.....fav movie of the moment.
why is it so easy for us to get alll SSTAGNANT ?
sticky pools of dusty dirt piling up around the edges, an oily film of carelessness forming on top....surely there's a powerful little handful of detritus forming at the bottom, stirring it up could make some interesting shit happen, no? remember learning about the colors, why they turned that way and the name for them , on those muddy trails before the older kids lleft and it was up to us to name and catalog everything, certainly the less interesting part of the job.....we just enjoyed playing there in the woods, when the raging pubescent struggle blundered on up on the hill.
they always come back...
he's afraid to give up on his dream world and make stuff happen constantly, becuase hes afraid he might never see them again...
but at the same time they're stuck in dream world - they can't do anything.... things don't really "HAPPEN" in their world, do they?
well u got up here, got busy, and got a lot of changes made....but now things are slowing down a bit......"you've worked really hard, now take some time off...." .......the crowded, bustling work place trickles out the door, the door quietly shuts.....then i'm alone again.... and they slowly creep back in.....
maybe u created little figurines as a child and they became each one......
that's what speaks to you > or maybe you made them because u didn't want to leave them behind at FIT....the jungle.....the stage.....the tower....
> back to creating mass projects...... a huge machine....with this one fist....that has a seed within it that if watered will grow up out of the fist
study mechanics....mechansims.....gears, counterweights.....
<<<<< so....
(people don't change!) / (People CHANGE!)
how can you go backward and forward at the same time, eh?
what if you knew exactly where you're going but not exactly where you've been?
The last episode of Mama's Family that I saw had Mama trying to force herself to go to sleep because they all realized she was dreaming the winning horse in the horse race before the races happened.
*dives into bed*
let's stop here and see how far it gets us.
have pushes pieces this way and that...
to yield sacrifices forcing negation of huge chucks of life (the red side of the rubik's cube for instance, you know you can't just try to get ONE side all together!)...
how were you raised to never ask for help, how were you raised to be so afraid?
how the HELL were you raised to never demand anything....demand something for yourself?
sa###R IJ #) ()*0
93209000000999((((**
aer#(IJR#)Osa#
*fritzes out for lack of keeping the blogging gears greased*
hiearchies and patience tests
waiting for money to roll in so one thing can be bought to feel better where you're only home , strength, getting better *garlic bread grease smears the keys* *high setting on the fan blows its tinfoil wrapper to the floor*
let's just catch things up a bit ...or try.
>>>>
1/1/07
ifn't all the tineist details would just come back to me when i'm ready to write? how does one speak from experience, create a story, without always attempting to replicate/gossip the truth, the events as they were?
opuses - waves spalsihing on camera - discovery - ski trip - no snow - global warming - what am i doing with myself?
dirty jobs
relax, feel queasy, from two hours of sleep and six hours of over-caffienated driving -
Il sedcondo giorno ??? >>> don't forget the little details u wanted to write about -- savion, the egg, empire state plaza, the noisy teenagers, sean's facial, the heat,
1/9/07
back to the FIT 3archetypes: they are all symbiotic - need each other to exist > the industrious aging father, has got some cybernetic properties to keep him alive (stray from Vader themes please), and his factories release their waste into the forest, which is what causes the various "mutations" in the forest boy.
changes that cause change
1/11/07
leaning more ergonomically for proper posture and back support, though still in pain from lying in bed watching movies and lost on my stomach, the pillow, the square purple pillow with black wormy threads artsily twisting their ways around the thing.... makes me feel like i'm sitting on the edge of a ledge with nothing beneath me that i can see, and everything in my life just out of reach, no way to get anything done or to grasp anything for support
the budget won't let me plan in advance, payments i know when and where they will come
i physically drained hurt , oh that's it - back to that thought
i know i cna't move through myself , i can't get my parts together to move through the sludge and aggrevation . motiviatie - helicopter hovers past filming - afternoon news - mechanics - so i can move through it via someone else - followed by a the remains of bubbles in teh glass, water pouring out and tiny bubbles in it/'s strail popping til all gone --- while i've been so long letting the movies and the stories create me - to MOVE me -- i can create the stories and the paths in my mind, on paper, to MOVE me wherei want to go - (and maybe see where they take me too) - it would take a great deal of practice, perserverance, courage --- Atreyu! Call My Name.
You would write your father and question if you were nothing more than a creation of his scheming mind.
You would write your mother and question if you were nothing more than her maskless offstage over-nurtured child.
You would write your brother and question if you were the Dr. Jekyll to his Hyde, he the inevitable parallel end to your uncertain transformation.
As you create, you become overtaken by your creations losing the ability to descriminate between the creator and the created.
Picking at a peeling feeling cuticle, sometimes i wonder if i am nothing more than a twisted concoction of paper and ink, paper twisted tight into bones, yet still fragile and weak, ink leaking out of voice and sight - a pitiful expression.
What if instead of that which we see in "broad daylight", we consider things only in the most truthful light in darkened corners of dirty alleys?
The long piece of felt between my hands and the keys has melted to them, keeping me from ever playing to my utmost potential - am I totally covered in felt?
a constant state of change and pubescence > awkward fumbling for attemping to get comfortable and self-assured with current form
I want to be a cowboy - live out west. Where things are hearty and people use words like __ and ___ and wolf is a noun and a verb
And i don't have to listen to Aaron Copland to get a feeling of great expanses because they're all around me.
And i can actually literally be lonely
portion are large
there are no gyms but the men are cut just as thick as the most ardent city gym goers
want to know how to care and feed animals, use them for meat, hunt, be closer to and know how to utilize and not waste nature
where there's no point in having a freezer, or internet, or
i could learn to tie a new knot instead of checking my email
i could build a rabbit trap instead of driving to the nearest starbucks
each archetype has their moments of dual momentum with one another -- mother and son> nature's dance, performance, spring, woman, passive, but creating --- father and son> awkward confrontations, pitiful sameness, regret (winter) -- mother and father> envy, lost love, repression, lack of belonging (fall)
1/16/07
Priorities??? ---
Current "regime" : WORK (promotion?/growth), GYM, EATING
Would like to incorporate >
Meeting people/going out
Yoga/Raquetball
TAP lessons
Piano lessons
Budget: Payments (rent, gym, loan), Savings, Mom
Food, Gas, Entertainment
Incorporate/Find lessons??? TIME???
Things to purchase:
IPOD, clothes, SUIT, MIDI software
Camera fixes, car fixes, teeth whitening
Lost, old live-action disney movies, the ones in tins, "make a man out of you" acapella verse, letting Hyde do the driving, wuzzles, werewolves, do it yourself books, vines overgrowning everything, gadgetry, reference section, taking pictures, trying to cook, six feet under, paint by number, fur, lost in space, off likter fantasies, exposed beams, 80s childhood movies, strange secret stashes, oysters rockefeller, grand central, flying deloreans, beards, bulldogs, maps, house plans, garden mazes, tap, new faces seeming familar, the pump,
1/28/07
"July 28th@!!!, It's July 28th - Your birthday!@ It's july 28th, i know it is!"
he stood screaming out over the ledge not really noticing that no one was really there....
"...he's already gone.".....i turned away from the balcony overlooking the courtyard....to a voice that was my own begging me to come in from the cold.
this guy "really isn't a fan" of the snow. u find yourself imagining how you could ever live with someone that doesn't love things like snow as much as you do. how would you ever play in it alone? u imagine , if u were together (u do't even know the guy!) that the snowy field woudl be your place of solitude or your place of outside threat - the one place u could go to be alone - with dark spirits comeing through the snowfall.
u feel powerless when you feel that u can never convince someone that you love them - when they can never seem to believe it - because they think that if you really did you would be doing some secret thing that they wish for in their head that you will never know and never do just right so they believe you don't love them....the way they want to be loved.
2/10/07
Finding myself overly preoccupied with work......is it an attempt to de-focus from the lack of filling i have in my home life - how i can just sit around and wait for the scheduled appointments to happen, my excuse being to avoid becoming late for them by starting up other endeavors --- nothing is happening at home!! in my own private life -- fuck - - i need friends...... i need hobbies --- i need to cook some damn food!
2/13/07 - CheckMate
"what were we talking about again?"
"it seems as though you and i could have a conversation with all the random thoughts flying around in this boy's head, doesn't it?"
"...yeah. it really does." looking around at the stars on the horizon, reflecting off the water
"look you know i was just - i mean we ---we..."
"hey, it's alright, we were both in need of some escape time and just someone to talk to that was outside of the mess of our individual lives, so we did what we had to do, we got out."
....
"do you think--"
"no, don't think about that - the moment you do, you'll probably be brought back. you and i both left to not worry about what was going on there. at least for a little while."
"you're right"
"heh, i know i'm right." he nudges shoulders and clinks his nondescript beer bottle against the other's.
(moments pass)
"but they hired her. she was just an actress."
"yeah, don't you think he could have been able to tell. I mean someone walks into your world. a world that you've lived your whole life in. don't you think you woulda been able to tell if she was an outsider, if, somehow, she just, didn't quite belong there?"
"yeah."
"how does that work."
"what's that?"
"the way, you can live in the biggest, most 'happenin'' city in the world and still you feel totally alone."
"heh. yeah man, i dunno. it defiently does happen."
"how does someone lead people to greatness?"
"not everyone's great man"
"yeah but, how does someone-"
"i'm tellin ya, not everyone's great. - destined for greatness? the leader? the follower? who are we to say, this or that? as for me, I say you gotta break yourself a little, especially if you ain't got nobody around to hold your hand. if you wanna be good at somethin that you have no idea how to do, can't even see yourself (ah therein lies one problem) - doin', something you've only dreamed about being or seen in the movies. how do you know you can do it, how do you know you can be it?"
DREAMS - 3 nights (all obviously rough around the edges by waking up loss of memory)
2/15:
the play
2/16:
syler
2/17:
dinghy boat trip
(*alarmclock*) ...(can't remember if the beach trip was part of it first)...but we were at the frat house (or some derivation of it) ... a big partying day...(locations and people continually morphing) don't really know if i was in a "present" time or a collage of past images i was never actually present for... playing cards....a game i was excitedly just sorta figuring out ...kinda chaotic but iw as okay... it somehow turned into being in the street, spread out, in a culdesac type area outside "the" house...casper or the like leading the game....decided there'd be four teams...and the cards were four solid colors ...so for some reason i t got sorted out where each team was a color ...(other frats?)...something like go-fish? but at the same time a drinking game...then almost immediately we were in our old blue minivan...a small group of us headed to the beach/or to fish...me in the middle left seat, looking back, you behind me (but then not you, apple) because the person in the seat next to me looked back and told you to drink...because u did something (circle of death?), and it was all fun and games, there were at least two others in the back row, and then he/you looked at me (apple or you?) and told me to drink.....not sure which came first the trip to the beach with just my friends morphing into frat thing or wat - but at this point i look to the driver's row, and it's mom/dad - much smaller event...driving thru the woods - but i was concerned about people seeing in the van, seeing us play our game, as if it were almost illegal or something...mom was like yeah, it's a busy day , we're gonna be hitting the crowds soon...(worry?)..we were driving down an old backwoods road (at thsi point i think the caravan had morphed into a group of my own old friends just going to the beach)..i'm leaning up toward the front seat, we turn a corner and it's just water...immediate and BIG water....a bridge...that's no longer there....cut off...fence at the end... the shortcut mom was trying to make didn't work, the whole time i new she was going some weird way that wouldn't work, we would have to turn around.....but we pulled to the edge of the bridge, it went out about 50 yards...a big fence at the end when we first saw it, but there no more...the water was pretty high, almost up to the edge of the road...and then we excitedly saw a little wave coming and everyone cheered, it mounded up....approached gently, and we felt the car gracefully be lifted off the ground just a bit, everyone excited as if they only wanted to get in the water.....(*alarmclock*)
2/27'/07
a ghost house, filled with whispers and shadows of those from your past you've remembered - those you'd be fond to see once again - here and there a twinge of creaking woods or an imagined sound of disturbed dust brings to mind strangely clear a musicbox moment of the momentum and passion behind your strongest moments. this is like a time traveling prism, refracting facets of your self from every great and every not so great moment you've ever had.....you wallow in it.
you're starved for it....since the last time you've been unable to digest any possibility of future accomplshement or present day-seizing, surely the potential and hope lies there, but the actual action-doing never seems to spark...the tinderbox feels wet. But here in this dry old mansion, the slightest friction could spark a wildfire, with all these momentous past emotion filled times -- most nothing at the time of living them, but so much more relevant now in retrospect.
you know the stories and long memorized the lyrics....but all the others, they've sung since their meager beginnings.....they can pipe out the notes from low to high.....nevermind that they know the words to say, they'll make them up as they go along.....would you wish for soemthing the like - thinking to yourself you could do it better.....if you'd only been....taught.
big news - another week goes by in atlanta! ....
scintillating
the never-realized inventor hiding deep in the passages of your over filed mind has some great ideas for a mechanism that would harness the energy of the past to spark of some lively activity for the present.
in watching Great Expectations (ethan hawke), i felt strangely attracted/similar to the whole thing....
there's the tree houses...with bridges that expand/contract because the wind blowing the fragile pines (maybe find a stronger forest?) would need to be mobile.... they would catch the wind, harness it for somethign...
the garden....built for mom.....with the ideas of all its fantastic mechanisms, a mechanical stone chess board powered by water running through it and all the pieces....
"and no it don't make sense, to put her in the cold and lonely ground."
speaking of which, GO SEEE LITTLE MISSS SUNSHINE NOW.....fav movie of the moment.
why is it so easy for us to get alll SSTAGNANT ?
sticky pools of dusty dirt piling up around the edges, an oily film of carelessness forming on top....surely there's a powerful little handful of detritus forming at the bottom, stirring it up could make some interesting shit happen, no? remember learning about the colors, why they turned that way and the name for them , on those muddy trails before the older kids lleft and it was up to us to name and catalog everything, certainly the less interesting part of the job.....we just enjoyed playing there in the woods, when the raging pubescent struggle blundered on up on the hill.
they always come back...
he's afraid to give up on his dream world and make stuff happen constantly, becuase hes afraid he might never see them again...
but at the same time they're stuck in dream world - they can't do anything.... things don't really "HAPPEN" in their world, do they?
well u got up here, got busy, and got a lot of changes made....but now things are slowing down a bit......"you've worked really hard, now take some time off...." .......the crowded, bustling work place trickles out the door, the door quietly shuts.....then i'm alone again.... and they slowly creep back in.....
maybe u created little figurines as a child and they became each one......
that's what speaks to you > or maybe you made them because u didn't want to leave them behind at FIT....the jungle.....the stage.....the tower....
> back to creating mass projects...... a huge machine....with this one fist....that has a seed within it that if watered will grow up out of the fist
study mechanics....mechansims.....gears, counterweights.....
<<<<< so....
(people don't change!) / (People CHANGE!)
how can you go backward and forward at the same time, eh?
what if you knew exactly where you're going but not exactly where you've been?
The last episode of Mama's Family that I saw had Mama trying to force herself to go to sleep because they all realized she was dreaming the winning horse in the horse race before the races happened.
*dives into bed*
let's stop here and see how far it gets us.
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