Armed with a dirty chai and a new, fitting waistcoat allowing me to feel a tightness around every breath, I sit down to make something of my thoughts.
I am a glorified receptionist.
I'm redesigning an excel document that lists the prices we charge for the various room items when they go missing or are damaged; a hypoallergenic fiber-fill pillow, oneida glass tumblers, sunbeam iron, andis hair dryer, hand towel, bath mat, king low-profile down blanket, citrus stripe decorative pillow--you name it.
Now charging people that never showed up for their guaranteed reservations. Damn anyone that wants to fake us out thinking we'll be overbooked when we could have easily sold the room to someone actually coming for the room at a much higher rate. Bah!
tHE fEELING OF lOSTnESS iS THE oNLY oNE yOU FEEL YOU CAN tAKE wITH yOU. Where ever you may go, ...you're unable to hold on to that sentiment of home, of the people you love but can't come to terms with it - but that uncertainty/fear/lostness is so nicely packed portably into that vacuumed niche of a soulless center you call a heart that you cling to it like some child-scribed pointless letter or plastic toy plane.
I've decided I want to grow a beard. But first I need to make an appointment with a dermatologist to figure out why I have little patches of hairlessness across my face that keep such a goal impossible.
Tension, Balance, Brunch!
I've realized in a slightly awkward, hung over tiger, tiger, burning bright moment that I have a severe lack of balance in a particular area at the moment in my life - that needs attention.
"So what are we doing tonight?" There was a time when I was used to hearing this every afternoon. After a sufficient number of classes had been attended, and there were no exams the next day, this quandry would always linger thick in the air, you could sense it on any fall day just like these with everyone milling about with an extra dose of certainty as classes ended. There'd always be something to do and always be people to do it with-pun intended. Always some trouble to get into or some "societal" function to attend, inspect and approve of or deny. The best were when we threw our own parties. Or...when I threw mine. (Calling forth a tangential reverie for another time, but back to the point:) Social interaction. It's currently non-existent. My neglect for this facet of a "healthy existence" (ha!) I have sudddenly realized had become a huge detriment. I become distant and longing in both work and when with Jimmy for no apparent reason, and not because of either of them...but I think because I begin to feel that lack of balance.
On the other hand, I'm afraid...with the non-stop existence in which I currently reside...that if I tried to allocate my time to anything else...those areas in which I'm currently dedicated would certainly falter. Perhaps I need to begin searching for an alternate career choice. Or more simply- a different job. This certainly isn't the place I saw myself 14 months ago nor is it necessarily the place I see myself 14 months from now. But here lies the problem: I don't know where I DO see myself at any time other than the past. I don't even know how to SEE MYSELF period half the time. I look in the reflection of the darkened subway train window and stare at my reflection as it's broken up by blurred cars with strangers I dream of being and platforms with deteriorating walls and people. I think about what I did wrong today, rather than speaking, but I wonder what could I have spoken. What could I have spoken? I imagined an ad campaign for myself walking through Port Authority staring at a wall of tarnished bronze: an image of myself with my hand held out holding this jumbled, muddled ball of the world and everything that I pride myself on seeing, observing-- but it's just that, observations. Beautiful and worthy of something. But Passive, ceaseless, inactive observations. The tagline being something along the lines of "So what are you going to do with it all?" What are you going to do with all this?
Courageously putting yourself into new situations and being please when you get glimpses of familiarness (compare/contrast). But rather than clinging to old-taught methods of thought - everything in relation to something else, how can you begin to see something in and of itself? Letting yourself be taken by a situation or place the way you put a heap of film scores on shuffle and let them decide your mood for the day. There's a strange contradiction of terms between your obvious and not so obvious submissiveness and then the seeming lack of assertiveness. Which leaves us where exactly?
Let's blow this joint.
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