i stand on a precipice, i struggle to keep my balance, i open myself, i open myself, one stitch at a time, finally yes, finally now, finally something takes me away, finally free, finally he can cut throught these strings and open my wings
lest i forget, the past week has been...
Friday8 - ty's, walking looking for greenwich, the bench, the shop windows, cupcakes, up westside, foggy bridge, driving home (via car)
Saturday9- Julio haircut and eyebrows!, (...the rest????)
Monday11- "The Space" Day: into city too early, Virgin/Element looking for cooler clothes, the shopping headache, on the 7 to P.S.1, modern art perspectives, flies, escape to the beautiful day, up and down Jackson Ave, cat piss, Creating A Space, the rooftop, clockwork, chandelier, a forced birch forest, Grand Central secrets, Umbrella Shopping, Home Depot Color Search, Meetup with Jonathan at Joe's (Papp!) Pub, Florence Henderson, he's off to bed, train home
Tuesday12 - WORK, 9:45 with bells on, starbucks and a flower, astrology and a wicked little photo, (first night over, via train)
Wednesday13 - train home, WORK (Joy training) .......the txts/conversation:
1:43AM- <<<"Hey Matt I've been trying to say something, thats not easy..." (talk on phone)
2:05AM- <<<"I will understand if that was our last conversion"
2:08AM- >>>"Don't be like that! Im sry i giggle- its me overcome with how much i like u. It scares me. But it wont just change w the flip of a switch. Its weird for me too."
2:09AM- >>>"Do you have AIM? Get online." (talk on phone)
2:32AM- <<<"Besitos"
Thursday14 -
1:55PM- >>>"When can I see u? I'm off tomorrow."
6:22PM- >>>"I want to come over tnite but i know u wont get any sleep cus well want to talk all night."
6:33PM- >>>"Then im there. wat time should i come?"
7:07PM- >>>"Can i bring u dinner?"
chaos at work, Brandy, Target shopping, Malecon, Driving down Broadway, DINNER, Serious conversation (over, car)
Friday15 - Drive into work, Jimmy with car, Brandy's Training, Best Buy, My Place, Burger King, Setting up stereo with minor construction, At home (not mine) alone, Planning B'fast, CD collection, late dinner, (over, car)
Saturday16 - Breakfast at 6:30AM, Shower Television, Drive to work, B'fast sandwich sans swiss!, Drive home>>>nap all day, AUDIT shift and Will dillemma (car)
Sunday17 - sleep til 1:30PM, *present*
shrimp dumplings and shower television talk shows
...and when I'm away, the strangest thing, it's not remembering, but I can't quite grasp his face - picture it as perfectly as it is in my mind. I aim for it and keep slipping off of it like soap in the shower, and zooming in to the closest recognizeable features of some other stranger. But then I step back and think of a photograph. Profile pictures on bmb, my first looks at him, or even my pictures from the adventurous weekend. Here in this two dimensional world I can see him again. And it's not the same. I realize I've become so accustomed to staring at men through a computer screen--knowing men through a computer screen (though not always), that my mind more comfortably grasps the two dimensional. It's like the real picture of him, enhanced and flourished by the prescence of the present, can't be stored in my camera or even in writing...just yet.
It's because there's nothing that can make me capture it and tie it down to a memory. This feeling - "so sudden and new, I felt the moment I laid eyes on you, my pulse is rushing, my head is reeling, my face if flushing, what is this feeling!?"
...and when I'm away, I want nothing more than to be back there.
