There's nothing like intense 3am conversation with someone you care about bordering on the rant to get good quotes out like this:
SOMETIMES I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO UNDERSTAND THE BRUTALITY OF A GOOD RELATIONSHIP.......DON'T YOU JUST PROVOKE PEOPLE SOMETIMES BECAUSE YOU WANT THEM TO GIVE YOU A GOOD PUNCH BACK....LET YOU KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE....OR TO FEEL AT ALL?
Thursday, April 6, 2006
Sunday, February 19, 2006
can't see the trees for the forest
Coming home from theatre party - meeting new people - "big spender" - (kevin/junior tension) - not going to carl's - JUNIOR - looking just like Steven Strait with....nvm....outbidding him......shaking today - when does this infernal SHAKING CEASE!???????? - it kept going on and on.... drood folks (justin) never showed to the party..... i get home and not a soul is there....house has been ravaged by beer and disorganized rolicking... facebooking to all getup and falling asleep totally alone, thinking is this what i need to condition myself toward to be able to survive what i'm setting my life up for? - the empty room laughed at me....punatively the only room on the first floor that didn't reek of beer -MY FUCKING HARD DRIVE WON"T WORK --- i'm getting desperate -this can't' be good - IT"S MY GODDAMN HOUSE TOO --- hearing patrick yelling at her when they all get home - seeing tony having told her to have it totally cleaned up when he gets home as i go out for my shower - hearing her bitching out all of us on the phone as i get out -- standing at the dark sink sipping water and vitamin, daring her to say something to me, i'll explode so hard she doesn't even know - she'd die - i'm shaking again - is it more mature of me to not say anything --- like should i just ignore what roommates TALK about - as it's not direct action that influences me --- but IT DOES influence me! --- i keep on shaking - fear out of what I might do? - --- thus, MATURE = REPRESSED
Ignorant Bliss or Enlightened Torture? you tell me.
all i want is to-- to.......why am i so freakin teary eyed....? over what? - what is it you want? --- someone to comfort and cuddle you.....tell you everything's going to be all right when you still accept the fact that it isn't? what then? what are you so desperately aching for? SOMEONE HELP --- but why, really? isn't it the very you that is so set on the path to independence and self-reliance? how are you going to survive in the wilderness, hell, on your own at all with all these complexes and neuroticisms still troubling you? YOU TALK TO YOURSELF INCESSANTLY FOR GOD"S SAKE.
imagine taking that gross, groggy feeling you have all over you when you wake up from an afternoon nap, in additon to that 'end is near' feeling when you're body is vomiting but there's nothing else in you to vomit, and also the patronizing feeling of being the only 8yr old in a room full of old women with much "bigger" problems on their brunch plate> take all those feelings and Magic Bullet the hell out of 'em, and I think you'd be getting close to what I feel like.
Why do you think you're so empty?
that repeated dread, scrolling down to see no "new comments", no "new messages", no "new friend requests" - nothing......what do they want? more interesting and frequent blogs? i can write more charismatic and clever entries i swear! i mean come on - one hundred and eighty three friends, and nothing - no comments, no messages , nothing - (i need a life)....
Ignorant Bliss or Enlightened Torture? you tell me.
all i want is to-- to.......why am i so freakin teary eyed....? over what? - what is it you want? --- someone to comfort and cuddle you.....tell you everything's going to be all right when you still accept the fact that it isn't? what then? what are you so desperately aching for? SOMEONE HELP --- but why, really? isn't it the very you that is so set on the path to independence and self-reliance? how are you going to survive in the wilderness, hell, on your own at all with all these complexes and neuroticisms still troubling you? YOU TALK TO YOURSELF INCESSANTLY FOR GOD"S SAKE.
imagine taking that gross, groggy feeling you have all over you when you wake up from an afternoon nap, in additon to that 'end is near' feeling when you're body is vomiting but there's nothing else in you to vomit, and also the patronizing feeling of being the only 8yr old in a room full of old women with much "bigger" problems on their brunch plate> take all those feelings and Magic Bullet the hell out of 'em, and I think you'd be getting close to what I feel like.
Why do you think you're so empty?
that repeated dread, scrolling down to see no "new comments", no "new messages", no "new friend requests" - nothing......what do they want? more interesting and frequent blogs? i can write more charismatic and clever entries i swear! i mean come on - one hundred and eighty three friends, and nothing - no comments, no messages , nothing - (i need a life)....
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Anger--Desire Management
I woke from my uncommon nap bout 7:15 pm to the sound of drag queens cavorting about the house. The saddest part of this evening is that it wasn't until after the fact that I was able to ask myself what (or who) in the hell persuaded me to go to this event?
Hamilton drives over, have my first (of two minimum requirement) cran/gimlets of the weekend, he drives my car to campus - LGBTSU DRAG SHOW - first half hour spent attached at Hamilton's side, bore-ed-ly (that's right) listening to him talk forEVer to friends I was never introduced to (great friend :p ), then finally persuading him, after obligatory cigarette, to come inside. It was a rattlesnake pit of highly concentrated fagotry in its most volatile and petty form. I should have walked right out the door. I don't know what else to say. The only productive thing I got out of that half hour of hell was a further application of my "anger-desire" theory..... let me delineate.....
(Developed and presented to two friends in car, on the way to buy tap shoes, one random Wed afteroon Jan '06)
So... the idea is that ANGER is just another form of DESIRE. Case: You are arguing with someone you know, right? You are pissed, confused, angry, yelling at them , whatever. But why are you doing this? Logically, the reason you get frustrated when trying to express something to a person, through whatever means, is because YOU WANT THEM TO UNDERSTAND you, your point, whatever. It is a DESIRE to have them connect with you, for them to get you, for you to make sense to someone...that you care about enough to put forth the energy of raising your voice, restating/reorganizing your point, etc. Conversely, if you really, honestly had no care in the world about this person, hated them, or were totally apathetic to their general reception of you, then you would have turned and walked away hours ago. You wouldn't be there. Your mere prescene signifies that you care enough to be SOMETHING (an existing entity of whatever variable the situation or you set yourself up for) for that person, in their own world. You are present for them. The worst thing a human being can be for another human being is, in essense, to NOT BE- to cease to exist, to leave, disappear, die. (here we exlude the capacity for MEMORY and any value placed upon it, certainly there is always value in the memory of a person) From this, and excluding the concept of memory as well as the complicated conceptual constructs of self-image (a person's (subconscious?) constant attempts to appear as something for the sake of their own ego/conscience), we can see how ANGER could be a FORM OF DESIRE.
Now, back to the present...
This "gay scene" - wat if we (as i did) attempted to apply the ANGER-DESIRE model to this social world? In other words, you have this reportedly "not-so-desireable" locale in which a general age window of 18-29 gravitates, and in which anyone you ask would generally detest the mention of, and yet- again and again, you would still find these same people returning to these same places or general gathering events. Then again, hard as it may be to believe, there exists a great deal of the gay population that is NEVER SEEN at any of these locales. They have no voice. By this I mean, you can't go to a club and find out why certain people or just a portion of the population in general is not present. There is really no way of knowing. Other than the mere citing of the negative qualities of locales, but then again, those present seem the most equipped and in truth the most commonly ripping apart these places of gathering in which they themselves are found nearly every weekend. Now, apply the model. It seems to me that for "attendees" (as we will call them from here on out), have some sort of unsaid obligation to continually act better than the places in which they frequent. How do we account for this? If they truly hated a place, or didn't want to be there- LOGIC -they wouldn't be there. Could this be a point from which one could apply the ANGER-DESIRE model? Do people who frequent these place and continually complain about them have some sort of unexpressed frustration of desiring a place to congregate with their fellow fags, but constantly feel "misunderstood", wanting a place that fits for them, that they can understand, and with people that can understand them? Hmmm.......(this is as far as I've gotten with this line of thought, any contributions would be greatly appreciated)
After a moment or two of this theorizing, I dragged myself, Hamilton (after being the last woman to leave the garden club! gotta fuckin talk for hours!), and long-missed friend David Grimes and we quietly snuck out, but not without a curious, accusing glare from one over-product-ed head or one popped collar or another. To the movies!
Underworld had just come out, David had already seen it, wouldn't mind seein it again he says, get there, I'm paranoid about running into more faces I'd rather not encounter on my hopefully pleasant start to the weekend, we realize Underworld is sold out til 10:55 (this is at 9:30) - so we jump on the chance to see HOSTEL. Gotta drag scared ol' Hamilton into the place though - lol - oh well.
Get out of the movie with Hamilton's fingernails still dug into my shoulder,--surprisedly, I went into the movie expected to be seriously bored and/or disappointed - never really been impressed with much of the modern-day horror/thriller genre, alas. But the movie provided a great deal of commentary (wonder what sort of hand Tarantino had in all of it) about stuff. First thriller I've ever seen a non-female minority character come out as the hero. Notions of beauty and the unwillingness to live if you don't have a pretty face. Then the HUGE IRONIC underlying theme of the whole film (SPOILER WARNING!!!), of going to the complete other side of the world and still unable to escape the twisted insatiable desire of the modern American man to kill. After escaping, the protagonist ends up in a business suit just like the rest of the men who come to pay to torture, and ends up torturing himself. The greatest irony (that, as in most films, the horribly non-self-aware audience fails to take note of) is the unanimous ecstatic desire of everyone in the audience to root for the protagonist to run right over the characters that got him into the mess in the first place when presented with the opportunity. Revenge. Kill because they've tried to kill you. The killed becomes the killer. Eye for an eye Christian morals at their finest. I am still torn between the child skull bashing with rock shot or the eyeball puss struck me as the most grotesque. Had no problem watching it though. Then again, I am a middle class while male, must be in my veins or something. :p
Then off to TGIF, where we wished Lane a happy bday, disappointed my friends (who had arrived shortly before) (and which i'm becoming better and better at each day :.. ) by leaving soon after - "an appearance"
now for something a little more vague - my usual terrain *popping knuckles*
"If I made dinner, would you be available?"
This is me, after over-analysis, falling into my over-played role of domestic, all-the-time-in-the-world-to-spare housewife role *BLAH!!*
Why am I so comfortable, putting myself up to these little projects of time filling (where I have plenty, as I never get to MY OWN business!) where I setup the perfect romantic or friendly scene for ___ (anyone really) to come "home" to after a busy day. GOD I"M HORRIBLE.
I get too obsessive. I care too much. No. I care in the wrong ways. I have to distance myself (No?) but then I become apapthetic. and kinda bitchy too. Hmm...
Maybe this whole theory bullshit is just me trying to rationalize the parts of me I don't understand....which is most of me.
There's been a change in me, a kind of moving on, though what I used to be, I still depend upon. For now I realize, that good can come from bad, that may not make me wise, but oh it makes me glad. And I, I never thought I'd leave behind, my childhood dreams, but I don't mind for now I love the world I see, No change of heart, A Change in Me.
For in my dark despair, I slowly understood, my perfect world out there, had disappeared for good, but in this place I feel, a truer life begin, and it's so good and real, it must come from within, and I, I never thought I'd leave behind, my childhood dreams, but I don't mind , I weren't who I want to be, no change of heart, A Change in Me.
Hamilton drives over, have my first (of two minimum requirement) cran/gimlets of the weekend, he drives my car to campus - LGBTSU DRAG SHOW - first half hour spent attached at Hamilton's side, bore-ed-ly (that's right) listening to him talk forEVer to friends I was never introduced to (great friend :p ), then finally persuading him, after obligatory cigarette, to come inside. It was a rattlesnake pit of highly concentrated fagotry in its most volatile and petty form. I should have walked right out the door. I don't know what else to say. The only productive thing I got out of that half hour of hell was a further application of my "anger-desire" theory..... let me delineate.....
(Developed and presented to two friends in car, on the way to buy tap shoes, one random Wed afteroon Jan '06)
So... the idea is that ANGER is just another form of DESIRE. Case: You are arguing with someone you know, right? You are pissed, confused, angry, yelling at them , whatever. But why are you doing this? Logically, the reason you get frustrated when trying to express something to a person, through whatever means, is because YOU WANT THEM TO UNDERSTAND you, your point, whatever. It is a DESIRE to have them connect with you, for them to get you, for you to make sense to someone...that you care about enough to put forth the energy of raising your voice, restating/reorganizing your point, etc. Conversely, if you really, honestly had no care in the world about this person, hated them, or were totally apathetic to their general reception of you, then you would have turned and walked away hours ago. You wouldn't be there. Your mere prescene signifies that you care enough to be SOMETHING (an existing entity of whatever variable the situation or you set yourself up for) for that person, in their own world. You are present for them. The worst thing a human being can be for another human being is, in essense, to NOT BE- to cease to exist, to leave, disappear, die. (here we exlude the capacity for MEMORY and any value placed upon it, certainly there is always value in the memory of a person) From this, and excluding the concept of memory as well as the complicated conceptual constructs of self-image (a person's (subconscious?) constant attempts to appear as something for the sake of their own ego/conscience), we can see how ANGER could be a FORM OF DESIRE.
Now, back to the present...
This "gay scene" - wat if we (as i did) attempted to apply the ANGER-DESIRE model to this social world? In other words, you have this reportedly "not-so-desireable" locale in which a general age window of 18-29 gravitates, and in which anyone you ask would generally detest the mention of, and yet- again and again, you would still find these same people returning to these same places or general gathering events. Then again, hard as it may be to believe, there exists a great deal of the gay population that is NEVER SEEN at any of these locales. They have no voice. By this I mean, you can't go to a club and find out why certain people or just a portion of the population in general is not present. There is really no way of knowing. Other than the mere citing of the negative qualities of locales, but then again, those present seem the most equipped and in truth the most commonly ripping apart these places of gathering in which they themselves are found nearly every weekend. Now, apply the model. It seems to me that for "attendees" (as we will call them from here on out), have some sort of unsaid obligation to continually act better than the places in which they frequent. How do we account for this? If they truly hated a place, or didn't want to be there- LOGIC -they wouldn't be there. Could this be a point from which one could apply the ANGER-DESIRE model? Do people who frequent these place and continually complain about them have some sort of unexpressed frustration of desiring a place to congregate with their fellow fags, but constantly feel "misunderstood", wanting a place that fits for them, that they can understand, and with people that can understand them? Hmmm.......(this is as far as I've gotten with this line of thought, any contributions would be greatly appreciated)
After a moment or two of this theorizing, I dragged myself, Hamilton (after being the last woman to leave the garden club! gotta fuckin talk for hours!), and long-missed friend David Grimes and we quietly snuck out, but not without a curious, accusing glare from one over-product-ed head or one popped collar or another. To the movies!
Underworld had just come out, David had already seen it, wouldn't mind seein it again he says, get there, I'm paranoid about running into more faces I'd rather not encounter on my hopefully pleasant start to the weekend, we realize Underworld is sold out til 10:55 (this is at 9:30) - so we jump on the chance to see HOSTEL. Gotta drag scared ol' Hamilton into the place though - lol - oh well.
Get out of the movie with Hamilton's fingernails still dug into my shoulder,--surprisedly, I went into the movie expected to be seriously bored and/or disappointed - never really been impressed with much of the modern-day horror/thriller genre, alas. But the movie provided a great deal of commentary (wonder what sort of hand Tarantino had in all of it) about stuff. First thriller I've ever seen a non-female minority character come out as the hero. Notions of beauty and the unwillingness to live if you don't have a pretty face. Then the HUGE IRONIC underlying theme of the whole film (SPOILER WARNING!!!), of going to the complete other side of the world and still unable to escape the twisted insatiable desire of the modern American man to kill. After escaping, the protagonist ends up in a business suit just like the rest of the men who come to pay to torture, and ends up torturing himself. The greatest irony (that, as in most films, the horribly non-self-aware audience fails to take note of) is the unanimous ecstatic desire of everyone in the audience to root for the protagonist to run right over the characters that got him into the mess in the first place when presented with the opportunity. Revenge. Kill because they've tried to kill you. The killed becomes the killer. Eye for an eye Christian morals at their finest. I am still torn between the child skull bashing with rock shot or the eyeball puss struck me as the most grotesque. Had no problem watching it though. Then again, I am a middle class while male, must be in my veins or something. :p
Then off to TGIF, where we wished Lane a happy bday, disappointed my friends (who had arrived shortly before) (and which i'm becoming better and better at each day :.. ) by leaving soon after - "an appearance"
now for something a little more vague - my usual terrain *popping knuckles*
"If I made dinner, would you be available?"
This is me, after over-analysis, falling into my over-played role of domestic, all-the-time-in-the-world-to-spare housewife role *BLAH!!*
Why am I so comfortable, putting myself up to these little projects of time filling (where I have plenty, as I never get to MY OWN business!) where I setup the perfect romantic or friendly scene for ___ (anyone really) to come "home" to after a busy day. GOD I"M HORRIBLE.
I get too obsessive. I care too much. No. I care in the wrong ways. I have to distance myself (No?) but then I become apapthetic. and kinda bitchy too. Hmm...
Maybe this whole theory bullshit is just me trying to rationalize the parts of me I don't understand....which is most of me.
There's been a change in me, a kind of moving on, though what I used to be, I still depend upon. For now I realize, that good can come from bad, that may not make me wise, but oh it makes me glad. And I, I never thought I'd leave behind, my childhood dreams, but I don't mind for now I love the world I see, No change of heart, A Change in Me.
For in my dark despair, I slowly understood, my perfect world out there, had disappeared for good, but in this place I feel, a truer life begin, and it's so good and real, it must come from within, and I, I never thought I'd leave behind, my childhood dreams, but I don't mind , I weren't who I want to be, no change of heart, A Change in Me.
Friday, January 20, 2006
..afterword..and a small rift...
So dinner at Manna Cafe was incredible (minus some sloppy service here or there), I'm so lucky to have friends like these! -- got a little tipsy off a Midori Fizz and Mojitos but made it through the night....then it was movie time.....
made a stack of about 7 movies I was willing to watch (I'll admit, I was kinda up for some solitudinous depression, don't know why, so the titles suggested such a mood).....and I don't know how it got to the top of the stack, but I ended up watching The Laramie Project, which I hadn't seen in over two years.... wow......the clincher I think the most for me was ,....getting up, sitting at my computer, looking at my buddy list......and just thinking about everyone......and the endless things that could happen to people-- sure, things have gotten better in the past decade, but ya never know *shrug*-- I think, overall in life, I'm kinda turning away from (very slowly) from my emotional attachment, or affectability perhaps, to movies and their characters and circumstances, and more towards the "characters" of my own life.....however distant they may be.
Then a random IM ( I couldn't help myself ), three objects, -- can't talk now....
-"Are you OK?"
-"I'll be fine..."
-"Are you sure?"
-".........what would you do if I wasn't?"
STORY IDEA:
The man who would never perform- who would never have 'the gall' to create- or present- or defend a creation of his own- and why that's all he's ever wanted to do. To be strong in something of his own- his body, his words, his art.......his love.
And then a mysterious CD, out of the night....lands on your doorstep, answering with nothing but perfect lyrics and guidance.........and affirmation.
A Song For......To Be Performed by my 'to-be-developed' Character:
"If I Ever Say I'm Over You"
If I ever say I'm over you
the unsentimental thing I do
will have driven out the ghosts
somehow and pull me through
If I tend to disregard your touch
well it seems to me
it would be such a waste of time
to let this poor heart feel that much.
But sometimes a photograph can make me cry or force a laugh
and somehow the memory of how complete we used to be
is keeping me from you.
If you ever hear me doubt the past
it's a simple fact we didn't last
run aground on hard times
while good times flew too fast
I'm not sure if we can make amends
this may be the way our story ends
with too little left for lovers
and too much more friends.
But sometimes a photograph can make me cry or force a laugh
and somehow the memory of how complete we used to be
is keeping me from you.
So don't believe it's true
If I ever say I'm over you.
made a stack of about 7 movies I was willing to watch (I'll admit, I was kinda up for some solitudinous depression, don't know why, so the titles suggested such a mood).....and I don't know how it got to the top of the stack, but I ended up watching The Laramie Project, which I hadn't seen in over two years.... wow......the clincher I think the most for me was ,....getting up, sitting at my computer, looking at my buddy list......and just thinking about everyone......and the endless things that could happen to people-- sure, things have gotten better in the past decade, but ya never know *shrug*-- I think, overall in life, I'm kinda turning away from (very slowly) from my emotional attachment, or affectability perhaps, to movies and their characters and circumstances, and more towards the "characters" of my own life.....however distant they may be.
Then a random IM ( I couldn't help myself ), three objects, -- can't talk now....
-"Are you OK?"
-"I'll be fine..."
-"Are you sure?"
-".........what would you do if I wasn't?"
STORY IDEA:
The man who would never perform- who would never have 'the gall' to create- or present- or defend a creation of his own- and why that's all he's ever wanted to do. To be strong in something of his own- his body, his words, his art.......his love.
And then a mysterious CD, out of the night....lands on your doorstep, answering with nothing but perfect lyrics and guidance.........and affirmation.
A Song For......To Be Performed by my 'to-be-developed' Character:
"If I Ever Say I'm Over You"
If I ever say I'm over you
the unsentimental thing I do
will have driven out the ghosts
somehow and pull me through
If I tend to disregard your touch
well it seems to me
it would be such a waste of time
to let this poor heart feel that much.
But sometimes a photograph can make me cry or force a laugh
and somehow the memory of how complete we used to be
is keeping me from you.
If you ever hear me doubt the past
it's a simple fact we didn't last
run aground on hard times
while good times flew too fast
I'm not sure if we can make amends
this may be the way our story ends
with too little left for lovers
and too much more friends.
But sometimes a photograph can make me cry or force a laugh
and somehow the memory of how complete we used to be
is keeping me from you.
So don't believe it's true
If I ever say I'm over you.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
...more rain?
--hardly. beautiful day. more or less glad mike, homework, cool gridz, a certain phonecall, and LOST kept me distracted from that previous line of thought. way too introspective *myuck!*
the great weekend awaits. whatever shall this one bring? some fancy financial aid blowing, a cranberry gimlet or two, and FLEXIBLE casts (that's to all you authoritarian television "my life" melodrama casting directors!)
I had a thought yesterday that I was priviledged enough to have a good friend nearby to relay it to, but might as well share....
Ok, so upon yet more over-analysis and theorizing of which most of you know I am yet painfully accustomed, I thought to myself from a certain angle the rub of ATTRACTION (that's as in "Aye, there's the rub"). The thing no one realizes is that the basis of attraction (let's reduce this idea to a simplified level of just physical attraction, or initial attraction) is set outside of a dynamic, ever-changing time. It fails to consider CHANGE. When someone comes along in your life and they are attracted to you, they are attracted to you as you are at this particular moment in your life, not as you would be 6 months or 5 years from now when you've gained 50lbs or become a practicing buddist or finally learned to dance a tango. It doesn't even occur to the "attracted" mind, does it? If we take this idea on into relationships, in the most general sense, -- well, just imagine the scene: lying in bed, telling your "other" you want to start going to the gym, or go get a tattoo or go study some obscure form of religious practice, under most "non-ideal" circumstances, it's going to be in one way or another their obligation to say to you some form of "oh you don't have to do that, i like you just the way you are!" - am i wrong? - certainly all this is just theorizing and conjecture. But is this not a point that needs to be made. Do we not fathom the capacity for change, for growth, for progress in our fellow man? How often do we hear of a friend liking a person because of their "potential" or their "tranformational capabilities" ;) - really though. Well, that's pretty much it. Just a thought.
Bring on MANNA, and a great dinner with great friends.
the great weekend awaits. whatever shall this one bring? some fancy financial aid blowing, a cranberry gimlet or two, and FLEXIBLE casts (that's to all you authoritarian television "my life" melodrama casting directors!)
I had a thought yesterday that I was priviledged enough to have a good friend nearby to relay it to, but might as well share....
Ok, so upon yet more over-analysis and theorizing of which most of you know I am yet painfully accustomed, I thought to myself from a certain angle the rub of ATTRACTION (that's as in "Aye, there's the rub"). The thing no one realizes is that the basis of attraction (let's reduce this idea to a simplified level of just physical attraction, or initial attraction) is set outside of a dynamic, ever-changing time. It fails to consider CHANGE. When someone comes along in your life and they are attracted to you, they are attracted to you as you are at this particular moment in your life, not as you would be 6 months or 5 years from now when you've gained 50lbs or become a practicing buddist or finally learned to dance a tango. It doesn't even occur to the "attracted" mind, does it? If we take this idea on into relationships, in the most general sense, -- well, just imagine the scene: lying in bed, telling your "other" you want to start going to the gym, or go get a tattoo or go study some obscure form of religious practice, under most "non-ideal" circumstances, it's going to be in one way or another their obligation to say to you some form of "oh you don't have to do that, i like you just the way you are!" - am i wrong? - certainly all this is just theorizing and conjecture. But is this not a point that needs to be made. Do we not fathom the capacity for change, for growth, for progress in our fellow man? How often do we hear of a friend liking a person because of their "potential" or their "tranformational capabilities" ;) - really though. Well, that's pretty much it. Just a thought.
Bring on MANNA, and a great dinner with great friends.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Beautiful Day Rant
epicurus83: i'm tired of being 22 - i want someone to play with!
epicurus83: (go ahead and read that wrong, i know you will)
micholobnole03: lol
micholobnole03: :-P , ok so elaborate
epicurus83: i dunno - it's seems there so....MUCH --- and we're all just sitting around....i want to go frolick and play --- have FUN with people - even if it does border on what i thougth you'd thought was "play" --- cuddle whatever -- blah - i just feel so uptight with everyone all the time---- no one seems to want to get out and do any "daytime funstuff"
epicurus83: i could go on....
micholobnole03: well keep going
epicurus83: :) -- like it's so bright and sunny outside, i want to bewith/surroundmyself with people that wouldn't think twice about going out and not taking it for granted....from what we've all got now, a differnt take on the "spending time together" - -- tired of the only ever wanting to get drunk or go so some free event that "provides" for us in some way......
epicurus83: and it's not like i want to sit here and rant to someone and expect them to just up and start doing it........i want to know people that already think/feel the same way - like there's so much more than what we've got right now -- and they're willing to take a little adventure here and there and "get up, go out, and get it" ("There's Gotta Be Something Better Than This" - Sweet Charity) -- ......i know that i used to know people like that. :..
epicurus83: I WANT PEOPLE TO CALL ME UP FOR A CHANGE - RANDOM PEOPLE - and see opportunity where most would only see "tricking" or whatever -- "courting" - blah --- i just want to feel comfortable hanging out with a gay guy ..-- because we're both comfortable witht he fact that we're friends and that's whats best -- and that IS the best -- not so much tension you know?
9:52:26 AM epicurus83: i want to go to the humane society and "borrow" a dog and take him for a walk around Tom brown park for the day, exploring
epicurus83: i want to have one day, just ONE DAY where my happiness doesn't depend on spending money
epicurus83: consumption of any sort
epicurus83: appreciating what i have around me for what it is.....getting back to things
epicurus83: you have no idea how many people (okay, like three) that i don't even know that well that i was so close at 1am last nigth to IM'ing asking awkwardly if they wanted to come over and hang out/cuddle /do something random
micholobnole03: haha
epicurus83: everyone CAN'T be as content as they SEEM to be with this boring life!
micholobnole03: ok well i can see what you're saying. i mean as far as other ppl go, i mean i dont know. but, i know jordan and i would be up for stuff. i mean like the picnic last year was great and stuff, so its not like we would be totally against it or something. as far as for me, i'm just more of an inside, city person. i'm not too fond of the outdoors, but i mean again, i'd be up for shit. hey we can always play tennis. its been forever since we last played
micholobnole03: http://articles.news.aol.com/news/article.adp?id=20060216143409990007&cid=2194
epicurus83: heh
micholobnole03: appropriate
epicurus83: (go ahead and read that wrong, i know you will)
micholobnole03: lol
micholobnole03: :-P , ok so elaborate
epicurus83: i dunno - it's seems there so....MUCH --- and we're all just sitting around....i want to go frolick and play --- have FUN with people - even if it does border on what i thougth you'd thought was "play" --- cuddle whatever -- blah - i just feel so uptight with everyone all the time---- no one seems to want to get out and do any "daytime funstuff"
epicurus83: i could go on....
micholobnole03: well keep going
epicurus83: :) -- like it's so bright and sunny outside, i want to bewith/surroundmyself with people that wouldn't think twice about going out and not taking it for granted....from what we've all got now, a differnt take on the "spending time together" - -- tired of the only ever wanting to get drunk or go so some free event that "provides" for us in some way......
epicurus83: and it's not like i want to sit here and rant to someone and expect them to just up and start doing it........i want to know people that already think/feel the same way - like there's so much more than what we've got right now -- and they're willing to take a little adventure here and there and "get up, go out, and get it" ("There's Gotta Be Something Better Than This" - Sweet Charity) -- ......i know that i used to know people like that. :..
epicurus83: I WANT PEOPLE TO CALL ME UP FOR A CHANGE - RANDOM PEOPLE - and see opportunity where most would only see "tricking" or whatever -- "courting" - blah --- i just want to feel comfortable hanging out with a gay guy ..-- because we're both comfortable witht he fact that we're friends and that's whats best -- and that IS the best -- not so much tension you know?
9:52:26 AM epicurus83: i want to go to the humane society and "borrow" a dog and take him for a walk around Tom brown park for the day, exploring
epicurus83: i want to have one day, just ONE DAY where my happiness doesn't depend on spending money
epicurus83: consumption of any sort
epicurus83: appreciating what i have around me for what it is.....getting back to things
epicurus83: you have no idea how many people (okay, like three) that i don't even know that well that i was so close at 1am last nigth to IM'ing asking awkwardly if they wanted to come over and hang out/cuddle /do something random
micholobnole03: haha
epicurus83: everyone CAN'T be as content as they SEEM to be with this boring life!
micholobnole03: ok well i can see what you're saying. i mean as far as other ppl go, i mean i dont know. but, i know jordan and i would be up for stuff. i mean like the picnic last year was great and stuff, so its not like we would be totally against it or something. as far as for me, i'm just more of an inside, city person. i'm not too fond of the outdoors, but i mean again, i'd be up for shit. hey we can always play tennis. its been forever since we last played
micholobnole03: http://articles.news.aol.com/news/article.adp?id=20060216143409990007&cid=2194
epicurus83: heh
micholobnole03: appropriate
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
if so, then i wouldn't mind the rain...
thanks to the deliverer of my currently fav song , at least as best i can say at the moment.....goes write well with a rainy day....
wish i could right
where has the time all gone to --- no, you pretty much no how much time you spend doing anything but what you no you will never (get around to, start , begin, change---) DO. (period) no this........ there is know way out .....of you're (an) own head start into the dance that is to once dreamed upon a life that you no (you could make) you will knever no.
...the illusory bastard that is time
well, if nothing else, it's a new semester, a new year, but who's to say it won't be like all the other new semesters, new years? --- i mean, it's the easiest thing, isn't it? to follow your percieved, over-theorized pattern of 'people, places, and things', know? hints of 'fatal attraction', irresolute pastward angst and hate, oppressive business ventures in sight, an overall dreadfully BLANK looming future, you know, the full cadre of astrological over-generalized insights - hey, you know, i may just do something different.
well, it's well past time for all the toasts and resolutions to be made, i've missed the carpe die-ish moment yet again, the music really needs to change --- i need to- to-- umm---
brb....
wish i could right
where has the time all gone to --- no, you pretty much no how much time you spend doing anything but what you no you will never (get around to, start , begin, change---) DO. (period) no this........ there is know way out .....of you're (an) own head start into the dance that is to once dreamed upon a life that you no (you could make) you will knever no.
...the illusory bastard that is time
well, if nothing else, it's a new semester, a new year, but who's to say it won't be like all the other new semesters, new years? --- i mean, it's the easiest thing, isn't it? to follow your percieved, over-theorized pattern of 'people, places, and things', know? hints of 'fatal attraction', irresolute pastward angst and hate, oppressive business ventures in sight, an overall dreadfully BLANK looming future, you know, the full cadre of astrological over-generalized insights - hey, you know, i may just do something different.
well, it's well past time for all the toasts and resolutions to be made, i've missed the carpe die-ish moment yet again, the music really needs to change --- i need to- to-- umm---
brb....
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