can't see the trees for the forest

Coming home from theatre party - meeting new people - "big spender" - (kevin/junior tension) - not going to carl's - JUNIOR - looking just like Steven Strait with....nvm....outbidding him......shaking today - when does this infernal SHAKING CEASE!???????? - it kept going on and on.... drood folks (justin) never showed to the party..... i get home and not a soul is there....house has been ravaged by beer and disorganized rolicking... facebooking to all getup and falling asleep totally alone, thinking is this what i need to condition myself toward to be able to survive what i'm setting my life up for? - the empty room laughed at me....punatively the only room on the first floor that didn't reek of beer -MY FUCKING HARD DRIVE WON"T WORK --- i'm getting desperate -this can't' be good - IT"S MY GODDAMN HOUSE TOO --- hearing patrick yelling at her when they all get home - seeing tony having told her to have it totally cleaned up when he gets home as i go out for my shower - hearing her bitching out all of us on the phone as i get out -- standing at the dark sink sipping water and vitamin, daring her to say something to me, i'll explode so hard she doesn't even know - she'd die - i'm shaking again - is it more mature of me to not say anything --- like should i just ignore what roommates TALK about - as it's not direct action that influences me --- but IT DOES influence me! --- i keep on shaking - fear out of what I might do? - --- thus, MATURE = REPRESSED

Ignorant Bliss or Enlightened Torture? you tell me.

all i want is to-- to.......why am i so freakin teary eyed....? over what? - what is it you want? --- someone to comfort and cuddle you.....tell you everything's going to be all right when you still accept the fact that it isn't? what then? what are you so desperately aching for? SOMEONE HELP --- but why, really? isn't it the very you that is so set on the path to independence and self-reliance? how are you going to survive in the wilderness, hell, on your own at all with all these complexes and neuroticisms still troubling you? YOU TALK TO YOURSELF INCESSANTLY FOR GOD"S SAKE.

imagine taking that gross, groggy feeling you have all over you when you wake up from an afternoon nap, in additon to that 'end is near' feeling when you're body is vomiting but there's nothing else in you to vomit, and also the patronizing feeling of being the only 8yr old in a room full of old women with much "bigger" problems on their brunch plate> take all those feelings and Magic Bullet the hell out of 'em, and I think you'd be getting close to what I feel like.
Why do you think you're so empty?

that repeated dread, scrolling down to see no "new comments", no "new messages", no "new friend requests" - nothing......what do they want? more interesting and frequent blogs? i can write more charismatic and clever entries i swear! i mean come on - one hundred and eighty three friends, and nothing - no comments, no messages , nothing - (i need a life)....